The article explores the common tendency in relationships and personal growth to focus on facts—what’s said, done, or left undone—at the expense of addressing the deeper emotional truths driving conflicts and needs. By neglecting feelings, we miss opportunities for connection, leading to surface-level resolutions that fail to address core issues. Drawing from real-life examples, the article highlights the importance of vulnerability, emotional honesty, and self-awareness in fostering meaningful relationships. It emphasizes practical strategies like setting boundaries for discussions, leading with feelings, and reframing conflicts as opportunities for growth. Ultimately, it urges individuals and couples to fight the “right war” by balancing facts with feelings to build trust, intimacy, and lasting connection.
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Inside this Episode:
Introduction
In the pursuit of meaningful relationships and personal growth, it’s all too easy to get caught up in the wrong battles. The tendency to focus solely on facts—what happened, what didn’t happen, and who did or didn’t do what—can obscure the deeper emotional truths driving our needs, behaviors, and conflicts. In this article, we explore a question central to healing, recovery, and connection: Are you fighting the right war? Let’s dive into how to balance facts with feelings and foster authentic relationships built on trust and emotional vulnerability.
Facts Versus Feelings: The Perpetual Tug-of-War
We live in a world that thrives on facts. Facts are measurable, concrete, and easily laid out in a conversation. In relationships, we often lead with facts when things feel uncomfortable or when conflict arises. It’s natural to want to stick to a safe zone, listing grievances or unmet expectations like a checklist: “You always do this.” “You never do that.” “Here’s what’s wrong with you.”
But here’s the catch: Facts rarely address the heart of what’s going on. Beneath every argument, there’s almost always an emotional driver—a deeper feeling or need that isn’t being acknowledged. As Mark and Steve point out in the podcast, this disconnect between facts and feelings can create significant rifts in relationships.
Mark shares a story about a couple struggling with decades of betrayal and recovery. The wife had set numerous boundaries for her husband, who had been in solid recovery for some time. While he viewed these boundaries as restrictive, she saw them as necessary for her emotional safety. Over time, these boundaries piled up, creating a fortress of rules that suffocated both of them. What was missing wasn’t more boundaries but a genuine understanding of the feelings driving those boundaries. It wasn’t until the husband paused to consider her feelings—turning an otherwise triggering moment into a connection point—that real progress began.
This story highlights an important truth: Leading with facts while neglecting feelings may address surface-level issues, but it rarely gets to the root of the problem.
Why We Default to Facts
For many of us, leading with facts is more than just a habit—it’s a defense mechanism. Expressing feelings is vulnerable. It requires emotional exposure and a willingness to let another person see into our inner world. Facts, on the other hand, feel safer. They’re less risky and offer a way to sidestep emotional discomfort.
Steve explains how this tendency often originates in childhood. Many of us learned early on that expressing our needs wasn’t effective or even safe. Maybe we grew up in environments where adults dismissed our feelings or punished us for voicing them. Over time, we adapted by keeping our emotions hidden, turning instead to surface-level complaints and factual disputes.
As adults, this learned behavior becomes a barrier to connection. When we avoid sharing our true feelings, we miss opportunities to deepen our relationships and address the underlying issues driving our conflicts. Instead, we find ourselves in endless debates about who did the dishes last or whose turn it is to walk the dog—arguments that feel important in the moment but do little to resolve the real issues at play.
Here's a past PBSE podcast that talks about how hard it is to have real connection when you're a betrayed partner—"When Your Partner is a Porn Addict, What Does "Healthy Connection" Look Like"
The Cost of Neglecting Feelings
Ignoring feelings doesn’t just hinder resolution; it creates emotional distance. One of the most significant costs of leading with facts is the missed opportunity for connection. Relationships thrive on emotional intimacy, on the sense that your partner truly sees and values you. When we focus solely on facts, we rob ourselves of the chance to build that connection.
Mark shares another poignant example: A husband and wife, after years of conflict, found themselves stuck in a cycle of surface-level disputes. The turning point came when the husband finally acknowledged his wife’s deeper need to feel considered and prioritized. In that moment, their dynamic shifted. It wasn’t about rules or boundaries anymore—it was about a shared emotional understanding. For the first time in years, they weren’t just addressing problems; they were reconnecting as partners.
This kind of emotional vulnerability doesn’t just resolve conflicts—it transforms relationships. It turns debates into dialogues and walls into bridges.
Fighting the Right War: Key Questions to Ask
One of the most critical steps in fighting the right war is understanding what you’re actually fighting for. Before engaging in a conflict, pause and ask yourself: What am I trying to achieve here? If the answer isn’t clear, it’s likely time to step back and reevaluate.
Steve recalls moments in his own marriage when he became so entrenched in proving a point that he lost sight of the bigger picture. Reflecting on those conflicts, he admits that he often couldn’t even articulate what he was fighting for. Was it to prove his wife wrong? To win the argument? Or was it something deeper—like a fear of inadequacy or a longing for trust?
Asking these questions can help clarify your intentions and redirect your energy toward what truly matters. Are you arguing about the dishes, or are you expressing a need to feel supported? Are you debating facts, or are you seeking reassurance that your partner values you? Getting to the heart of these questions is where real progress begins.
The Fog of War: Recognizing When You’re Off-Track
In the heat of conflict, it’s easy to lose focus. This phenomenon, known as the "fog of war," occurs when emotions run high and overwhelm our ability to think clearly. In these moments, we may find ourselves arguing about things that don’t actually matter—or worse, turning on the very people we care about.
The fog of war doesn’t just happen on the battlefield; it happens in relationships every day. A simple disagreement can spiral into a full-blown argument, with both partners entrenched in their positions and neither willing to budge. Steve and Mark suggest a simple rule: If you can’t articulate the why behind a conflict, it’s time to stop. Pause the argument, reflect on your feelings, and then come back to the conversation with a clearer sense of purpose.
This pause isn’t about avoiding conflict—it’s about ensuring that you’re addressing the right issues. It’s about stepping out of the fog and into a space where real understanding and connection can happen.
In a past PBSE episode, you can learn— "How a Lifetime of Communication Trauma can Prevent Healthy Communication in the Here and Now"
Practical Strategies for Balancing Facts and Feelings
Balancing facts with feelings takes practice, but it’s a skill that can transform your relationships. Here are some strategies to help:
Set Clear Boundaries for Discussions: Before diving into a difficult conversation, agree on ground rules. Decide who will speak first, how long each person will have to share, and what the goals of the discussion are. This creates a safe space for both partners to express themselves.
Lead with Vulnerability: Start by sharing your feelings and weaknesses. For example, instead of accusing your partner of being distant, try saying, “I feel lonely and I need more connection with you.” Leading with vulnerability invites your partner to do the same.
Connect Needs to Emotions: When expressing a need, explain the feelings behind it. Instead of saying, “I need you to help more around the house,” try, “When you help with chores, it makes me feel valued and supported.” This approach fosters understanding and empathy.
Acknowledge the Barriers: Recognize what might be getting in the way of expressing your feelings. Whether it’s fear, past trauma, or simply a lack of practice, naming these barriers can help you work through them.
Reframe the Conflict: Instead of viewing disagreements as battles to be won, see them as opportunities for growth and connection. Approach each conflict with curiosity, seeking to understand rather than to prove a point.
The Role of Individual Work
Fighting the right war isn’t just about what happens in the relationship—it’s also about the work we do on ourselves. For those in recovery, this means digging deep to uncover the core reasons behind your actions and choices. Steve shares his experience of going through the motions of recovery for years without truly understanding why it mattered to him. It wasn’t until he connected with his authentic self and identified his deeper goals that his recovery became meaningful and sustainable.
Partners, too, have their own healing journeys. Before engaging in a conflict, ask yourself: What am I trying to achieve? What role do I want my partner to play in this? If you can’t answer these questions, take time to reflect before bringing the issue to your partner. This self-awareness not only strengthens your individual growth but also enhances the quality of your interactions.
Building Connection Through Vulnerability
At its core, fighting the right war is about fostering connection. It’s about creating a relationship where both partners feel seen, heard, and valued. This requires a willingness to step into vulnerability, to share your feelings, and to truly listen to your partner’s needs.
Mark and Steve emphasize that vulnerability isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a pathway to intimacy. By leading with feelings, we create an environment where connection can flourish. This doesn’t mean abandoning facts or ignoring practical issues; it means addressing them within the context of a deeper emotional understanding.
As we move through life’s challenges—whether in recovery, relationships, or personal growth—the question remains: Are you fighting the right war? By balancing facts with feelings and prioritizing connection, we can ensure that our battles lead to growth, healing, and deeper intimacy.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program Dare to Connect
Find out more about Steve Moore at Ascension Counseling
Learn more about Mark Kastleman at Reclaim Counseling Services
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