The article comes from Episode 265 of the PBSE Podcast. Recovery from porn and sex addiction often begins with external motivators, such as wanting to “get clean for her” or save a relationship, offering addicts a crucial starting point when they feel incapable of change. However, while external pressures can initiate recovery, they are rarely sufficient for sustained success. Real, lasting recovery requires a shift to internal motivation, where individuals focus on continued sobriety, personal growth, self-respect, and authenticity. This transition often involves recognizing the intrinsic benefits of living addiction-free, fostering resilience through self-compassion, and addressing the underlying reasons for addictive behaviors
LISTEN TO EPISODE—
Inside this Episode:
The Question of Motivation: A Common Dilemma
When someone embarks on the journey of recovery from porn or sex addiction, the reasons behind their decision often vary widely. For many, external motivators, such as wanting to “get clean for her” or “be worthy of her,” play a significant role. But can these motivations sustain real, long-term recovery? This is the question we tackled in this episode of the PBSE Podcast.
The submission that sparked this discussion came from an addict who had been battling porn addiction since his early teens. He described periods of success and relapse, and his latest attempt at recovery was motivated by someone new in his life. His question was simple but profound: “Does having a motivation like ‘I want to be worthy of them’ work for recovery?”
The answer is nuanced, and as we dove into this topic, it became clear that external motivators can serve as a starting point. However, real and lasting recovery requires a deeper, internal transformation. Let’s break this down.
External Motivators: A Necessary Starting Point
Recovery often begins with external motivators. These are reasons outside of oneself that push someone to take the first step. Examples include wanting to save a marriage, keep a job, or regain social standing. For many addicts, these motivators are the initial catalysts for change.
As we discussed in the podcast, both of us started our recovery journeys with external motivations. Steve, for instance, began recovery to placate his wife, believing that attending groups would keep their marriage afloat. Similarly, Mark entered recovery feeling resigned, like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, doing it because he was supposed to, not because he truly believed it would work.
This external push is common. Addicts often come to recovery with significant emotional damage, such as feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness, and shame. These feelings can create a vicious cycle where the very motivation needed for recovery seems unattainable. External motivators provide a temporary bridge, giving addicts something to fight for when they can’t yet fight for themselves.
However, external motivators alone are not enough. They can bring someone to the starting line, but they won’t carry them to the finish. Without an internal shift, the pressure from external sources often fades, leaving the addict vulnerable to relapse. This is why it is crucial to view external motivators as a launchpad rather than a permanent solution.
Moreover, external motivators can sometimes bring about unintended consequences. If the addict’s primary focus is on meeting someone else’s expectations, they might neglect their own emotional and mental health in the process. This imbalance can lead to burnout and resentment, further complicating the recovery process. Recognizing this early can help in making the necessary adjustments.
Here's a past PBSE podcast article that asks the question—As an Addict, are you “Weaponizing your Weaknesses” as a Reason to NOT Commit to and Live “Real” Recovery?
The Transition to Internal Motivation
While external motivators are a crucial starting point, real and lasting recovery hinges on developing internal motivation. This shift involves moving from doing recovery for someone else to doing it for oneself.
In our own journeys, we’ve both experienced this transition. For Steve, the external motivation of keeping his marriage eventually gave way to a deeper desire for personal growth and self-love. Mark’s journey followed a similar path, where the initial pressure from his partner evolved into a commitment to live a healthier, more fulfilling life.
nternal motivation comes from recognizing the personal benefits of recovery. It’s about wanting to feel better, live authentically, and build a life of integrity. This shift often occurs gradually and requires consistent effort and reflection.
It’s important to note that internal motivation doesn’t mean external factors disappear entirely. For many of us, maintaining healthy relationships and fulfilling responsibilities remain important motivators. The key difference is that these external factors become part of a larger framework driven by internal commitment.
For example, an addict might begin recovery to save their marriage, but over time, they discover the intrinsic value of living addiction-free. They start to enjoy the freedom, clarity, and self-respect that come with recovery. These internal rewards become powerful motivators, driving sustained effort and progress.
Another critical aspect of internal motivation is self-compassion. Many addicts struggle with feelings of guilt and shame, which can undermine their efforts. Learning to forgive oneself and embrace the journey with kindness is essential for building a solid foundation for recovery. This self-compassion fosters resilience, enabling addicts to navigate setbacks without losing sight of their goals.
The Role of Betrayed Partners
For betrayed partners, the concept of gradual progress in recovery can be incredibly difficult to accept. Many partners feel exhausted from the cycle of relapse and recovery, wondering how long they can continue to endure the emotional toll.
We emphasize that it is not a partner’s responsibility to drive the addict’s recovery. A partner’s role is to set clear boundaries and communicate their needs authentically. This empowers the addict to make their own choices while giving the partner the freedom to decide what they are willing to tolerate.
Every partner’s journey is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all timeline for recovery. Some partners may decide to leave after a single relapse, while others may choose to stay and support their partner through multiple attempts at recovery. Both choices are valid and should be respected.
Recovery is not just about stopping the addictive behavior; it’s about rebuilding trust, connection, and collaboration in the relationship. This requires effort from both partners, but the addict must take full ownership of their recovery journey.
For partners, self-care is equally important. Supporting an addict in recovery can be draining, and it’s vital for partners to prioritize their own mental and emotional well-being. Engaging in therapy, joining support groups, and setting boundaries are all essential steps in navigating this challenging journey.
In a past PBSE podcast, Mark & Steve address a very painful question that betrayed partners often ask—Do I Have to Accept that my Addict Partner, even in Successful Recovery, could Betray Me Again?!
Dispelling the Myth of "Rock Bottom"
The idea that someone must hit rock bottom before they can truly recover is a common misconception. While hitting rock bottom can be a wake-up call for some, it is not a prerequisite for recovery. In fact, many addicts hit rock bottom multiple times and continue to struggle.
Mark described himself as a “bottom walker,” someone who lived in misery and felt he deserved it. This mindset kept him stuck, as he believed that suffering was his punishment and recovery was out of reach. It wasn’t until he challenged these beliefs and took ownership of his life that real change became possible.
Recovery doesn’t require hitting rock bottom. It requires a decision to change and a willingness to take action. External motivators can spark this decision, but sustained recovery demands a shift to internal motivation.
An essential element of avoiding the "rock bottom" trap is education. Understanding the nature of addiction and its impact on the brain can help addicts recognize the urgency of seeking help before reaching a crisis point. Prevention and early intervention are far more effective than waiting for a dramatic wake-up call.
Additionally, creating a strong support network can make a significant difference. Surrounding oneself with understanding and empathetic individuals, whether through support groups or trusted friends, can provide the encouragement needed to stay on the recovery path. These connections remind addicts that they are not alone in their journey.
A Gradual and Collaborative Process
Recovery is a progressive journey. It’s not a straight line, and setbacks are a natural part of the process. What matters most is the commitment to keep moving forward.
This gradual progression can be frustrating for both addicts and their partners. Addicts often feel discouraged by setbacks, while partners may struggle with the uncertainty of the recovery process. However, it’s important to view recovery as a collaborative effort. While the addict must take responsibility for their actions, the partner’s support and understanding can play a significant role in rebuilding trust and connection.
Ultimately, recovery is about more than just stopping addictive behavior. It’s about creating a life of authenticity, integrity, and connection. This requires both internal motivation and a willingness to engage with the challenges of recovery head-on.
Collaboration doesn’t mean partners should take on the addict’s burden. Instead, it involves open communication, mutual respect, and shared goals. Regular check-ins and honest conversations can help both parties feel heard and understood, fostering a stronger partnership.
Another critical component of the collaborative process is celebrating progress. Recovery milestones, no matter how small, deserve recognition. Acknowledging these achievements can boost morale and reinforce the belief that change is possible. This positivity creates momentum, encouraging continued effort and growth.
In this PBSE podcast episode, Mark & Steve help addicts in recovery and their betrayed partners in "Defining Slips & Relapses"
Conclusion: Finding the Balance
So, does “I want to get clean for her” or “be worthy of her” work as a motive for recovery? The answer is yes and no. External motivators can provide the initial push needed to start the recovery journey, but they are not enough to sustain it. Lasting recovery requires a shift to internal motivation, where the addict takes ownership of their life and commits to change for themselves.
Recovery is a complex and deeply personal process. It’s not about finding the perfect motivation but about building a foundation of commitment, effort, and self-awareness. Whether you’re an addict or a betrayed partner, the path to healing is challenging but possible. With the right support and mindset, recovery can lead to a life of connection, authenticity, and fulfillment.
As you navigate this journey, remember that setbacks are not failures but opportunities to learn and grow. Embrace the process with patience and determination, and trust that lasting change is within reach. Together, addicts and their partners can build a future rooted in trust, respect, and genuine connection.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program Dare to Connect
Find out more about Steve Moore at Ascension Counseling
Learn more about Mark Kastleman at Reclaim Counseling Services
Comments