How Can He “Look Past” My Body & Be Aroused by Real Love?!
- 5 days ago
- 7 min read
This article, taken from PBSE podcast episode #275, explores how genuine sexual arousal can evolve beyond surface-level attraction, especially in relationships impacted by pornography addiction and betrayal trauma. Rooted in a heartfelt question from a woman struggling with feeling unwanted in her aging body, the piece reframes arousal as something deeply tied to emotional, spiritual, and relational intimacy rather than fantasy or physical perfection. Drawing from personal experiences and therapeutic insights, it challenges the belief that desire is fixed, showing instead how it can be consciously rebuilt through vulnerability, connection, and intentional love. Ultimately, it argues that real love—when truly seen and nurtured—is not only arousing, but transformative.
LISTEN TO EPISODE—
Inside this Episode:
The Cry Behind the Question
At the heart of this episode lies a vulnerable, deeply human plea: How can a man look beyond the changes in his partner’s body over decades and be genuinely aroused by love—real, honest, connected love? This question, submitted by a brave woman healing from betrayal trauma, isn't just about physical intimacy. It's a profound call for hope, clarity, and a return to something more authentic than lust or fantasy.
She writes of her long journey with a husband mired in pornography addiction, a man whose recovery has dragged for years without much movement past Step Three in his twelve-step program. Despite her own healing, good therapy, and plenty of hard-won knowledge, she’s haunted by one reality: He still believes he can’t achieve orgasm without fantasy. And worse yet, she wonders if he can ever truly want her again—not just her body, but her as a whole woman, especially as her body has aged.
That ache, that question, it cracks something open in all of us. It's raw. It's honest. And it's exactly what needs to be faced head-on.
What Is Sexual Arousal—Really?
Too often, arousal is treated like some kind of involuntary reaction. You’re either “turned on” or you’re not. You’re wired that way. End of story.
But is that really true?
As we’ve seen in our own recoveries and those of countless clients, the story is far more complex—and far more hopeful. What arouses us isn't set in stone. It’s shaped by life experiences, culture, media, biology, trauma, upbringing, and yes—pornography. That amalgam of influences forms what we call an "arousal template." And contrary to popular belief, that template can be changed.
When people come to believe that arousal is static and fixed, they unwittingly give away their power. “This is just how I’m wired” becomes the excuse, the crutch, and ultimately the prison. But real intimacy, the kind that brings true healing and lifelong connection, requires more than a reflex. It demands presence, meaning, and choice.
Reframing Orgasm: From Goal to Gift
In addiction, orgasm becomes the goalpost. If there’s no orgasm, there’s no success. That’s the addict narrative: climax is the only proof that sex “worked.” It's performance-based, transactional, and deeply shallow.
But in recovery—and in real love—orgasm can become something completely different. It can shift from being a mandatory endgame to an optional expression of deeper connection. That reframing changes everything. Sex isn’t about checking boxes or hitting benchmarks. It’s about sharing joy, emotion, and vulnerability with someone you’re truly connected to.
In that space, orgasm becomes a celebration—not a requirement. And when it happens, it’s richer, fuller, and anchored in something far more enduring than a physical reaction.
The Arousal Template Is Moldable
We’re not born with a fixed sense of what turns us on. That template gets molded over time, often starting in childhood—through media, family dynamics, societal norms, and, for many of us, exposure to pornography.
Think of how cultural ideals of beauty have shifted over centuries. In the Renaissance era, a full-figured woman was the epitome of beauty. Today, in much of Western culture, it's the slim, toned figure. That change alone proves how arbitrary—and trainable—our preferences can be.
But when addiction locks us into a narrow, hypersexualized template, we start believing that arousal is rigid. That it must involve fantasy. That we must “look past” our partner’s flaws. And that’s where healing becomes possible—when we finally realize we don’t have to stay locked in that outdated, toxic mold.
Seeing “Through,” Not “Past” the Body
Let’s pause here and address the phrasing of the question itself: “How can he look past my old body?”
That framing breaks our hearts.
Why should a man look past your body? Why not through it, into all that it represents? The scars, the curves, the wrinkles—they’re not hindrances. They are evidence. Of life. Of survival. Of love. Of giving birth. Of late nights, hard conversations, held hands, forgiveness, and years of choosing each other.
A well-known sexual addiction therapist once told the story of his wife undergoing a double mastectomy. Her breasts—the very thing that once aroused him most in his addicted mind—were gone. But he had done his work. He didn’t mourn the loss of arousal. He embraced the new body she had. Those scars became sacred to him. They became part of his arousal template—not despite them, but because of what they represented.
That’s the invitation here: to stop trying to look past, and start choosing to look deeper. To connect the physical with the emotional and spiritual. To truly see.
Porn Addiction’s Warped Lens
Pornography trains the brain to fragment people into body parts. It’s the ultimate expression of disconnection—an industry built on separating physicality from humanity, orgasm from intimacy.
And if you’ve spent years immersed in porn culture, it's no surprise that real connection feels unfamiliar—maybe even impossible. Porn rewires arousal to depend on novelty, fantasy, and depersonalized sex. It tells a man: you can only be turned on by the perfect angle, the flawless body, the dramatic climax. No wonder a husband struggling with porn addiction doubts he can be aroused by his real-life partner.
But here’s the truth: that’s a lie. It’s a conditioned lie. And it can be unlearned.
The Power of Meaningful Arousal
To the brain, meaning is everything. Arousal isn’t just about visual stimuli—it’s about what those stimuli mean to you. The power lies not in the sight of the body, but in the story behind it.
When a man truly sees his wife—not just her physical form, but her sacrifices, her loyalty, her strength, her decision to choose him again and again—that sight becomes deeply arousing. And not just sexually. Emotionally. Spiritually. Intellectually. The whole person becomes desirable.
That’s what happens when you do the work of recovery. The straw-sized vision of arousal expands into a panoramic view. It's the difference between looking at your partner through a peephole and standing on the rim of the Grand Canyon. Both technically offer a “view,” but only one leaves you breathless.
From Surface to Substance
Addiction lives on the surface. Recovery invites depth.
To build a new arousal template, men must practice seeing their partners holistically—not just as sexual objects, but as vibrant, intelligent, emotionally rich women. That means exploring every facet of who she is. Her thoughts. Her values. Her stories. Her humor. Her dreams.
It also means facing your own discomfort with emotional intimacy. Most addicts avoid feelings. They avoid vulnerability. But real arousal—the kind that lasts—requires diving deep into those very things.
When you can look at your partner and be moved by her courage, inspired by her intellect, awed by her strength—then physical intimacy becomes infused with something far more powerful than erotic fantasy. It becomes a reflection of who you are together.
Real-Life Examples of Reframed Arousal
We’ve seen this transformation in our own marriages.
Steve, for example, spoke about how his wife's ability to choose him—again and again, through thick and thin—became a huge part of his arousal. It wasn’t about perfection. It was about her agency. Her will. The way she saw his potential and invested in it, even when he didn’t deserve it.
For Mark, arousal deepened as he stopped seeing his wife in pieces and started experiencing her as a whole. Her body, with all its age and changes, is now a symbol of the life they’ve built—the struggles endured, the victories claimed, the intimacy earned. That emotional context makes the physical more powerful, not less.
This isn’t theoretical. It’s lived truth. It’s what happens when two people commit to growth and to seeing each other fully.
You Don’t “Grow Into” This—You Build It
None of this happens by accident. It’s built, brick by brick, day by day.
You build this kind of attraction by engaging in all eight areas of intimacy—not just sex. Intellectual, emotional, spiritual, experiential, and more. You ask questions. You explore each other. You practice curiosity. You see.
You intentionally choose where your attention goes. Because attention is what creates attraction. What you invest in becomes what arouses you.
Final Thoughts: You Are Not Invisible
To every woman who’s ever asked, “Will he ever want me again?”—we see you. You are not invisible. You are not something to be looked past. You are someone to be looked into.
You are the story. You are the meaning. You are the miracle of a life shared, a journey walked, a love that keeps choosing.
And for the men reading this, here’s the challenge: Expand your view. Drop the straw. Step into the vastness of your partner. Learn to be aroused by love—not as a fallback, but as the most powerful force there is.
Because real love? That’s the ultimate turn-on.
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