This transcript comes from Episode 248 of the PBSE podcast. In addressing a betrayed partner's terrible nightmare, Mark & Steve discuss how ealing from addiction and betrayal is a complex, ongoing journey that requires consistent effort, transparency, and a deep commitment from both the addict and the partner. The process involves facing difficult truths about the past, acknowledging the long-term consequences of the addict's actions, and rebuilding trust through open and honest communication. For the partner, it means reassessing boundaries and determining what is authentically needed to feel safe and supported. For the addict, it involves taking full responsibility for their actions, being proactive in meeting the partner’s needs, and consistently working on their own recovery. Both must navigate the paradox of holding onto the pain while also trying to build a future, whether together or separately.
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Inside this Episode:
Introduction and Context
Hey everyone, Mark and Steve on the PBSE podcast. This is episode 248, and we know that this is an intense title, and we're really going to get into this. This is a very heartfelt, in some ways really tragic, vulnerable submission by a betrayed partner.
The title is, "How Does a Betrayed Partner Navigate the News That Their Sex Addict Partner Has Contracted an Incurable STD?" I'm just going to read her submission, and then we're going to dive into this. I've listened to many of your podcast episodes, and the area I wish you would do an episode on is how a spouse is supposed to handle it when their porn-addicted, sex-addicted husband comes home and discloses, she says in parentheses, not the first time in our marriage, that he's been acting out for several years and has contracted a sexually transmitted disease (STD). How am I supposed to forgive and get past that? I can't see ever having an intimate relationship with him.
However, we have built a great life, other than his sexual addiction, over our 20-plus years of marriage. He shows remorse. He's in therapy, as am I. We have not yet had a formal therapeutic disclosure, but that is coming.
Initial Reactions and Considerations
There are a lot of aspects I'm struggling with, but I would love an episode on navigating an incurable STD. And then she says, sincerely, heartbroken spouse. Wow.
Well, there's a lot there. One thing that we definitely need to mention right out of the gate is, if you saw at the last piece there, in this case, the sexually transmitted disease is not curable.
This is a permanent condition that he has, which logic would dictate.
We're not doctors, but from what we understand, that means if they engage in a continuing ongoing sexual relationship, she will then also contract that. Yes. Now, before we jump into any of this, because this is a lot, we will give a quick little disclosure here.
Medical Disclaimer and Focus on Relationship Dynamics
Today's podcast is not going to focus on the medical side of this at all. This involves serious long-term permanent medical implications. There's a lot at play with this couple.
In this particular example, we're going to use it as a teaching point. But those medical pieces, because they're way outside our purview, and for a lot of other reasons, we're not tackling those today. But it is critical.
We will say that if this couple is listening, or if you as a couple are in a similar dilemma and you are listening, if you haven't already, you need to seek immediate medical testing and treatment. And also, hopefully through those same medical professionals, seek out accurate education regarding the issues in play and the long-term implications of a physical relationship in a situation like this. So anyway, we just want to make that clear out the gate.
Betrayal Trauma and Addiction in Relationships
But it is a great teaching example because even though many of you listening today may not struggle with a particular sexually transmitted disease dilemma going on, there are many examples. We could spend the rest of the podcast just giving you examples of where consequences surrounding addiction at some point sometimes become permanent. Yes.
And what do you do with that? How do you navigate that? And not even just permanent, although we're going to talk about that a little bit today. But what do you do when you find yourself like a spouse like this in this dilemma where on the one hand, this marriage by many standards of measure has been pretty good?
But on the back of that is this tremendous amount of trauma. And now, not only that, you're now dealing with, and here's the key for all of you listening where it's applicable to you, wherever you are. She is dealing with a significant past, but also because of the nature of this, what will also be ongoing trauma going forward.
Ongoing Trauma and Emotional Impact
Ongoing trauma is a key issue here, not just the past trauma. As Steve and I looked at this, it was funny this morning when we were kind of writing some things down to prepare. Steve saw a look on my face and asked, "What was that look?" I was just in the process of writing down in the notes here, "You know what? Addiction stinks." Yes, I put it "STINKS" in all capital, bolded letters. Mark was slowly shaking his head on the computer screen when we were getting ready.
I'm like, "What's going on?" Yeah, I looked disgusted, shaking my head. And I was thinking about all the ways that my choices, my bad behaviors, my—I call them crazy, foolish, outrageous, ridiculous, horrific—choices in addiction over decades created really lousy consequences for me, and especially for my betrayed partner. There's just no way around it.
There are many aspects of addiction that are just rotten. I wish there was a way around that, but this podcast today is about some of those things we want to get raw and real about. But we also want to paint hope. There is hope here.
Here's a past podcast about how trauma can be an "ongoing" challenge—https://www.daretoconnectnow.com/post/is-there-a-statute-of-limitations-on-feelings-betrayal-trauma-and-disclosure
Navigating the Painful Paradox
Although it's coming at things from a different angle than what you hoped you would have to be in a coupleship for it to be successful, there is still hope, you know? So, I guess the first thing we wanted to talk about, Steve and I, is what this is like for the betrayed partner. And not just this partner with this situation of an incurable STD going forward. We were just in our Dare to Connect program today with our couples' session.
It was probably one of the more raw and real sessions we've had with our DTC couples. Boy, it's right at the top because we were talking about this very issue. Our new topic we're doing in Dare to Connect right now is for the addicts, what we call the "addiction cycle"—how we cycle through various behaviors and mindsets and consequences, and then for partners, the "trauma cycle" that is created.
And what happens when those two worlds collide? We got really raw today in our couple session because we had some questions submitted to us by some partners who said, "Here's what his choices have done to our current lives." Because some choices involved family members, because some choices involved work colleagues that he's still involved with, because of neighbors that we have to continue to live with, family gatherings we go to where we're certain of those individuals who have been involved. This is not just past trauma. This is ongoing.
Complex Trauma and Its Challenges
This is a part of our lives. Every time we're around them, every time we drive past that store or that establishment, every time we—the list goes on for partners where there are those continued, we call them landmines, right? And triggering landmines in this process that are dropped in those early stages of the trauma and continue to pop up over time.
We talk about the initial horrific trauma that takes place with disclosure, trickle disclosure, or finally a formal disclosure day and the crazy trauma that takes place. But then the ongoing trauma, because you continue to live life, now we get into the compounding effects of complex trauma. That's where it becomes so hard for betrayed partners—the peeling back of these layers, and we think we've got to the end of it, but now there's another disclosure or more news or more difficulty of what we're faced with.
You can see the ongoing complex trauma for this partner. Now, in what in many ways has been a good relationship, this incurable STD is thrown into the mix. What does that do to her world? And how does complex trauma unfold? You know, Steve, we talked about this—the painful paradox that she finds herself in, right? The devastation and the realities of this disclosure now are going to be the past and ongoing.
The Role of the Authentic Self
At the same time, what does she say in her question to us? We've built a great life over our 20-plus years of marriage. How do you live in a paradox like that? It is no small order.
There's a lot encapsulated in this very first step that we're going to talk about, but as with many of the answers that we give here on the podcast, it does involve what we call the authentic self. Now, following news like this, I think it should be noted that there are multiple steps that need to be taken to figure out where the authentic self sits.
For example, in this particular case, we talked about the medical advice thing. I would say that for a partner, that is step number one. If I'm going to find out my authentic truth about what to do next in this relationship, I need to figure out what this means for me on a physical, health-wise level, and what that means for me if I choose to engage in a sexual relationship with him versus not, or stay in this marriage versus not.
If I'm going to be authentic with myself, I need to know as much as possible, eyes wide open, what that will mean for me and what I'm signing up for and consenting to. Right? And you could take that example, and it doesn't just have to apply to the medical side. Every situation that everyone listening finds themselves in is different.
Check out this past podcast that guides addicts in recovery in HOW to move into authenticity and transparency—https://www.daretoconnectnow.com/post/the-addict-s-journey-from-escape-avoidance-to-authenticity-transparency
Informed Choices and Long-Term Consequences
When you're talking about an ongoing issue here, you have to reconcile and get really real with what are the long-term consequences or maybe the long-term baggage of making choice A, B, or C, right? Because the reality is, in this situation, there are no perfect answers.
This spouse unfortunately finds herself in a world where any answer is going to be less than the optimum, because the optimum would be to be able to move forward, make a clean break from all this, and move forward as a coupleship. But these are going to be ongoing issues for them at play.
And so, I think that being informed and that education, whether that's talking to the right medical professionals in this situation, but it also speaks to the need of, for example, being in a program like Dare to Connect, where you can connect with other spouses who are going through the same thing, or maybe further along down the process, and they can tell you, like, this is what I've had to deal with.
Getting connected up with a good 12-step-based support group that we've talked about on here before for spouses is also critical so that you can do the same kind of thing, right? Going into this as eyes-wide-open as possible, that is what brings to the surface the most authentic version of the authentic self, right? I mean, the reality is his past bad choices make the ideal impossible now.
Finding the Authentic Wants and Needs
So now she needs to become as fully informed as she possibly can, and out of that fully informed or as informed as she can get place, what are her now authentic wants and needs based on all of those realities? Knowing what I know, what do I want and what do I need going forward? What am I willing to do and not do? And in figuring all that out, what specific, very specific boundaries and outcomes or consequences am I going to build around all of that now?
Being able to embrace the relationship at this stage, just to expand on what we're talking about here, this discovery, as painful as this will be for a partner who finds herself in a situation like this, is critical because the only way, not only for you to avoid self-betrayal, but frankly, for you to be able to actually embrace this relationship the way that you're going to want to, if you're really choosing, if you are going to choose to stay and continue, is to—we can only embrace what we accept, and we can only accept what we know.
So there has to be a full, like, looking down the barrel of, this is what this will mean, right? If I stay, here are the pros of that, but here are very much the cons too. And I've got to go eyes wide open into this. Not doing that will complicate what is already going to be a very difficult journey for her and this coupleship down the road.
Challenges of Self-Discovery and the Addict’s Role
It would be very easy. We work with spouses where they find themselves in this place, and partially, I think, out of a place of wanting to protect the addict and not hurt his feelings or push him to shame, and part of out of a place of maybe their own caretaking tendencies or what have you, what's the temptation? To kind of shove your own head in the sand a little bit and just say, "Well, it'll be okay. We'll just work it out." But when you're talking about something like this, you have to be able to face and say, "If I'm signing up for the long term, this is what I am signing up for. Good and bad."
We could say a lot more to partners. We could do ten PBSE podcasts on this partner’s situation. Tragically, yes. We just break for her. But we need to talk a little bit for a minute here about the addict himself.
Here's the thing, and I want to speak to all the addicts listening, and this is not to shame you. Steve and I are certainly not riding our high horses on this because we've been in terrible, terrible consequences of our past bad choices and behaviors, but if this guy decides, for example, that he's going to be all in, and I want to make sure that we're clearly stating this because this is the caveat for the rest of what we're going to say. He's all in owning what he's done.
Facing Consequences and Embracing Change
He's facing all of it without minimization, justification, rationalization, any of those character defects. He's like, "I'm fully facing this. I'm all in to do my work, and I'm ready. I'm ready for the consequences and the outcomes of my past choices. I'm facing the fact that just because I'm all in and I'm going to do the work now and face all this, these consequences are not going to magically go away."
In some ways, if he decides to really jump in with both feet and own his side of the street and do this work, actually, in some ways, the consequences are going to intensify. It's very true. Every time we have this discussion about things intensifying, things getting harder before they get easier in recovery, which is a fundamental truth for both addicts and partners in many respects, I always think of that scene from Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark where he's running from the gigantic rock.
That's what always comes to mind, right? He's Harrison Ford running from the rock. That is a great analogy for what we as addicts have done for years. And that rock has been getting bigger and bigger.
The Rock of Consequences
We have just been, for years, finding better and better ways to run from it. And really, if you're going to be all in, if you're going to face this like Mark is describing, you have to let the rock run you over, and then you have to begin to build from the back end from there. You have to face the full implication of what's gone on, and that means taking accountability in all the ways. It means being able to confront my own shame, my own issues, those things that I've been running from—I have to let those things run me over.
In other words, I have to embrace those things and use all the tools at my disposal so that I can now begin to figure out who I am, where I'm going, and who I really am going to become instead of a guy just running from the rock. Well, yeah, and running from it. What happens if you do face this or similar situations of consequences where you, as an addict, say, "This is just hopeless now. I'm facing it, but my life is completely ruined, and I have no future"?
You have to be careful to not go either to the place of denial or the place of hopelessness. You have to navigate in between those. So you start to ask yourself, "Where do I go from here? With all of this that I brought upon me and us now, where do I go?"
Proactively Meeting Your Partner’s Needs
This is where addicts in recovery—Steve and I will tell you—we had to get to the place where we needed to decide what is my willingness to—and I have in my notes here "PROACTIVELY," and it's in all caps, and if I could make it the size of my office here, giant "PROACTIVELY" letters would be here. Proactively start to now pursue meeting my betrayed partner's authentic wants and needs, providing as much safety as is possible for her, being transparent about the work I'm doing, what I'm learning, how I'm progressing, what are my proactive plans that I'm coming up with through bouncing it off my support system, working with my therapist, doing my journaling.
How am I going to put proactive plans in place to now meet the reality of what our life together looks like? I'm going to put together a plan that takes into account what can be done. I eliminated some of the options because of my choices. They don't exist anymore.
But what CAN I do? And what do those plans look like that I'm now going to come and present to my partner and say, "I am so sorry I've created this. No one deserves this kind of situation. It's hell on earth. But I want you to know that I will do everything in my power going forward."
Sacrifices and Adjustments
"If you decide that it's authentic for you to stay in this relationship, I will do all I can to make the best of this, and here's what that plan looks like." Whether it's this STD or whether it's people's lives that we know, relationships that I've tainted, how am I going to plan for all of it? How am I going to lead out, lead out, lead out from this point forward?
Well, and it should be noted for many, this is a progressive journey, right? We've talked about this shift before. For me, the way that I have phrased it and keep phrasing it is that I had to progressively get to a point where I'd rather be hated for who I am—the real me—rather than pursuing this ongoing journey of trying to be liked for who I'm not. And it took time to get fully on board with that concept. It frankly took years, but, and that was, so I guess you could say in a sense, that rock kind of ran me over in slow motion a little bit.
But I think for every guy, if you're going to engage on the journey of what we are talking about, it means to engage and be coming to that place that I just described, because it does involve a 180-degree shift, not just in terms of facing consequences, but really how we engage with other people. How do we show up in any relationship? Who was that old guy, and how much of a poser was he in all the ways versus now?
The Hero’s Journey in Recovery
And so, it's a, it's what we would—literature calls this the hero's journey, right? This is a Lord of the Rings style kind of epic saga for many of us. But you have to be committed. You don't have to—I don't think anyone needs to take that journey, nor can they all at once, but it requires consistency and commitment. And you have to be willing to stick with, stick through all of it to make it happen.
I agree. I agree. And the other thing that came to me—Steve, you and I—what is this guy willing or not willing to sacrifice for this to work going forward? For example, does he want to still be in this relationship? Is he willing, for example, to take traditional sexual, physical intimacy off the table because he's now made it not safe for her? What does that sacrifice look like?
Are there ways to start looking at ways that they can still continue to have affection and perhaps some form of sexual intimacy, but it doesn't look like what it used to? And is he willing to accept that as the outcomes and consequences for his choices? So what will he sacrifice, and what will he not? Very important question.
The Partner’s Sacrifices and Boundaries
Absolutely, and that, by the way, is one of the questions that the partner finds themselves asking as well, right? Because it should be noted, we have a partner here. Sometimes we look to the addict and we just say, "Yeah, you're going to have to get comfortable with that level of sexuality." But the partner is also going to have to get comfortable with that level of sexuality, right? Or whatever the boundary is. Let's globalize it, right? Let's make it more applicable, not just to this situation. That level of boundaries doesn't just always hold the addict back in some respects or restrict them. It restricts the coupleship.
For example, what if there'd been some acting out in places that we can no longer go to, like the beach is off-limits now? That doesn't just affect the addict. That affects the partner too. So, not only is this about what he's willing to sacrifice, but it's also about what she's willing or not willing to sacrifice.
We can no longer interact with those family members. We can no longer, right? Fill in the blank. Does that work for her? Not just what he's putting on the sacrificial altar, but for something she didn’t deserve, didn’t cause, can’t fix, and didn’t expect—now she's being asked to show up at the sacrificial altar. What parts of that are authentic or not, or is there a willingness or not for her?
Creating a Safe Space for Dialogue
It is very much a difficulty. Well, there are a number of things that the addict can and needs to do if he is serious about this journey. So all of this has been kind of leading up—addicts are probably listening and being like, "Good Lord, what do I have to do today?" That's all kind of the prologue, because now here come the actual steps.
First of all, if this couple is going to make it, or a couple in this situation is going to make it, there has to be—and he is going to need to lead out on this because he's been the one leading out on taking the space away in most cases—there needs to be the creation of a safe space, as safe as possible at least, for open, authentic expression and dialogue. We talked today in Dare to Connect about, you cannot get to a destination that you're trying to chart if you are not able to also look as a couple or individually at the map and identify where you are now.
Charting a destination requires charting a starting point, and we have to get really honest about where this has taken us. What have been the impacts? And if we are going to rebuild this, what does that mean on the coupleship front? The first step is going to be him opening the dialogue, being a glass window to her when it comes to feelings, emotions, certainly ongoing disclosure about lapses or relapses when it comes to addiction on a whole variety of fronts.
For more about HOW to create an environment of safety for a betrayed partner, see this past podcast—https://www.daretoconnectnow.com/post/why-do-betrayed-partners-feel-unsafe-what-does-it-take-to-feel-safe-again-why-is-this-critical
Emotional Safety and Transparency
That's where that is going to begin. He's going to need to create that space, to create that permission, if you will—not that she needs permission, but the emotional permission, the emotional safety—to be able to use her voice and do so in a way where she's not going to receive what Steve used to do, which is the age-old blowback of every ego defense mechanism on the planet. Avoiding, minimizing, justifying, shutting down, going stoic, getting angry—right? All the rest of the stuff, right?
This is the time now to sit in the pain with her and to cast away all pretenses, all masks, all facades, all old strategies, and now get into the hard work. Because if this isn't already over, this coupleship, it's right there on the precipice. This is kind of a last-chance deal, if it even is that. I mean, it might be too late. I don't know. They have to figure it out.
You know, Steve, yeah, go ahead, Steve. Oh no, you finish your thought, because I was going to actually have you talk about this next point we have on here, because I love how you raised a couple of things coming up. So go ahead.
Pressing the Pause Button on Big Decisions
Is it the big decision one? Let's see here, the pause button. Oh, yeah. Let me say one other thing before I get to that.
Man, I know how natural this is when you're in a crisis, especially like this betrayed partner is, and I'm assuming the addict as well. There's a natural part of the survival, traumatized brain that says, "I got to make big decisions, and I got to make them now," right? And you're in the midst of intense emotion, intense betrayal. We would just encourage this partner and this couple to try to step back and hold off on those big decisions, those permanent life-altering decisions, even though he's already made one of them, obviously. But the other ones going forward—can you pull back to give the recovery and the healing process at least a chance to unfold and to progress and to see if there can be some positive change happening, right?
She said that a formal therapeutic disclosure hasn't happened yet. Is it authentic to you to go through that whole process and just kind of stay in a—this is the pausing, Steve, that you talked about—kind of pause and see if the small, progressive steps in this process can unfold? And if there is hope, can we give it enough of a chance, whatever that means for us, before we make the final big decisions?
The Challenge of Pausing and Healing
Now, having said that, I know that what I just said sounds really easy in the way I just presented it. I can only imagine how absolutely horrendously hard that is for a betrayed partner—what I just said. Sitting in a state of grace, pushing the pause button, like, are you kidding me? So I know that having said that just in some ways sounds outrageous.
We should say that this is assuming that up to this point in time in this podcast, you haven't already said, "I'm done," which is a very real possibility, being candid, for some of you. We recognize that everyone is in a different state in this process. One thing we never want to push on this podcast is the idea that it doesn't matter how bad it's been or how long it's gone on, you should stay and give it a chance. For some partners, they, for whatever reason—because of time, because of the gravity of the actions, because of lots of factors—they have hit their limit.
And if you are at your limit, then this discussion obviously completely changes, and we honor you for where you are at. Notice what we said to all the addicts at the beginning of this podcast. Everything we're going to say after this point in this podcast assumes that you, as the addict, are all in.
Assessing the Coupleship’s Potential
So, talking about these solutions for a couple means he's all in, and he's doing the work, and he's moving forward. Very important. The idea behind what Mark is saying, even though it is difficult and even though it is hard to hear, partners—we know that—is, again, it's not because this is what he deserves, quote-unquote, or what you, quote-unquote, "should" do. The reason why is because what we're trying to do here is create an optimal scenario to be able to gain better insight into the authentic state of the coupleship and its potential.
So, in other words, what that means is, if we are functioning optimally, and if we can get a peek into that, that helps us to each look at each other and ask the really hard question—as if there weren't already hard questions—which is now, knowing what we know, and given these circumstances and what we've worked on and what we're doing now, and doing it in a sustainable way, do we want it? Are we compatible? Do we want to choose each other again?
Do we want to be all in now that we've—or can we even be, right? Can we be, and do we want to be? You kind of say, after, in quotes, "all we reasonably feel we can do and have been doing," now that we're doing all that, and we can step back with that perspective of doing what we can, is this going to work? Do one or both of us want to continue forward? And if the answer is yes, how are we specifically going to do that? And if the answer is no, how will we navigate and move forward with that?
Co-Parenting and the Impact on the Future
Especially if we're talking about, for example, when children are involved. How many times, Steve, do you and I have these conversations, for example, with a betrayed partner? It’s a terrible, terrible paradox they find themselves in: "I don't have a choice to not have a relationship with this man going forward in our lives because we have kids." Correct.
So we're always going to interact with each other. If our kid is three, we have a minimum of a 15-year contract between the two of us where we will be engaging with one another. Well, and then what about grandkids? What about other stuff going forward? We may decide that we are not compatible and that we cannot be a couple, but can we co-parent? Can we co-grandparent? And what does that look like?
What we try to avoid here is—and it's understandable that this would be the case—but a completely scorched-earth policy where there's nothing positive, no kind of interaction that can happen at any time going forward. That's why we say, we do what we can, we step back, we see if we've got all the elements in place that we can have. Now, if we're going to make the big decisions, and if one of those is we can't move forward together, but we're going to be having our lives intersect going forward, how can we make the best of that?
Embracing the Ongoing Process
Absolutely. Hard stuff. Very hard stuff, for sure.
Well, the last piece as we wrap this up here for today, because we know this has been a lot: we'll kind of end where we started in a way. Whatever happens in a coupleship where you find yourself dealing with, again, in a situation where the implications of it, for whatever reason, are ongoing, one thing that the coupleship needs to embrace—and admittedly, we probably are speaking a bit more to the addicts based on our experience here than we are to the partners, although it applies to them too—is that these hard discussions, as hard and as difficult as they are, these discussions are not part of a healing process like an admittance to a hospital where you do this for a while, and then these discussions are done.
These discussions will be an ongoing dynamic if you are serious about this process because the triggers associated with them, the implications, whether they're medical or otherwise, will change over time. And that is important. That, I think, speaks to a lot of things, but one of them is the necessity for a guy, wherever he's putting emphasis on his recovery work—shame resiliency is an absolute requirement if you're going to make this happen. Otherwise, you will continue to trip over yourself time and again, and in ways that we don't have time to talk about here.
There has to be that ongoing acceptance and embracement of the reality that certain choices and certain actions led to certain implications. This is what they are, and here is my responsibility in accepting them and providing safety for my partner and my marriage as a result, for the rest of our lives.
Understanding the Long-Term Commitment
Yeah, for sure. So, embracing the ongoing process is crucial because it’s not just about getting through the initial crisis or the initial few weeks, months, or even years. It’s about acknowledging that this is a long-term commitment. This isn't just a phase where you do the work, and then you’re done. If you’re serious about healing as a couple or even individually, it’s a lifelong journey.
The reality is that the dynamics will change. Things will evolve, but the need to address these issues will remain. There will be new triggers, new situations that arise as life continues to unfold, and being prepared for that is essential. This is why the idea of a "healing process" isn't something that ever really stops. It's ongoing. It's continuous.
For the addict, this means continually working on yourself, your recovery, your personal growth. For the partner, it means continuing to assess your boundaries, your needs, and your emotional safety. And for both of you as a couple, it means always being ready to revisit the hard conversations, the difficult truths, and the realities of what your relationship is now and what it could be.
The Importance of Consistency and Commitment
One of the key takeaways from this discussion is the importance of consistency and commitment in this process. Recovery, whether it’s from addiction, betrayal trauma, or both, requires an unwavering commitment to the process. It’s about showing up every day, even on the days when it’s hard, when you don’t feel like it, or when it feels overwhelming.
This is true for both partners. The addict has to be consistent in their recovery work, in being transparent, in owning their part of the process. The partner has to be consistent in maintaining their boundaries, in self-care, and in voicing their needs. This consistency is what builds trust over time, and it’s what allows the relationship to move forward, if that’s what both partners choose to do.
The journey isn’t linear. There will be setbacks. There will be hard days. But it’s the commitment to keep going, to keep working on it, that makes all the difference.
Rebuilding Trust and Safety
Trust is a huge part of this process. For the partner, rebuilding trust can feel like an insurmountable task, especially when the betrayal has been deep and ongoing. But trust can be rebuilt over time, with consistency, transparency, and honesty. It’s about showing, not just telling, that you’re committed to change.
For the addict, this means being patient and understanding that trust won’t be rebuilt overnight. It’s about doing the work, consistently, and allowing your actions to speak louder than your words. It’s about creating a safe space where your partner can express their fears, their anger, their hurt, without fear of being dismissed or invalidated.
And for the partner, it’s about being open to the possibility of rebuilding that trust, even though it feels risky, even though it feels vulnerable. It’s about recognizing that rebuilding trust is a process, one that will take time, but one that is possible with the right effort from both sides.
Moving Forward Together or Apart
As we’ve talked about throughout this episode, the decision to move forward together or apart is deeply personal and complex. It’s not a decision that can be made lightly, and it’s not one that anyone else can make for you. It requires deep introspection, honest conversations, and a clear understanding of what you need and want for your future.
For some couples, moving forward together will be the right choice. For others, moving apart will be what’s best. And both decisions are valid. What’s most important is that you make the decision that is authentic to you, that honors your needs, your boundaries, and your well-being.
Whether you decide to stay together and work through these challenges or decide to part ways, know that there is no right or wrong choice—only the choice that is right for you. And whatever that choice is, there is support available to help you navigate it, whether it’s through programs like Dare to Connect, therapy, support groups, or other resources.
Embracing the Journey, Whatever It May Be
As you move forward, whether together or apart, it’s essential to embrace the journey, wherever it takes you. This process, as challenging and painful as it may be, is an opportunity for growth—for both the addict and the partner. It’s an opportunity to redefine who you are, what you want, and how you want to live your life.
For the addict, this might mean embracing a new identity rooted in recovery, honesty, and integrity. It means letting go of the person you were in addiction and committing to becoming someone better, not just for your partner, but for yourself.
For the partner, this journey might involve rediscovering your own strength, your voice, and your boundaries. It’s about learning to trust yourself again, to honor your needs, and to stand firm in your truth, whatever that may be.
Whether you choose to rebuild your relationship or choose to walk a different path, this journey is about finding healing, peace, and fulfillment for yourself. It’s about becoming the best version of yourself, regardless of what happens with the relationship.
Seeking Support and Building a Community
One of the most important things you can do on this journey is to seek support. This is not something you should do alone. Whether it’s through a program like Dare to Connect, therapy, support groups, or trusted friends and family, having a community around you is crucial.
For the addict, this means connecting with others who are on the same path, who can hold you accountable, offer support, and share in your victories and setbacks. It’s about finding people who understand what you’re going through and can offer guidance and encouragement.
For the partner, it’s about finding a space where you can express your pain, your anger, and your fears without judgment. It’s about connecting with others who have walked this path before you, who can offer insight, validation, and hope.
Building a community is not just about getting support; it’s also about giving it. As you move forward in your journey, you’ll find that you have wisdom and experiences to share with others who are just starting out. Your story, your journey, can be a source of strength and inspiration for someone else.
The Power of Hope and Resilience
Throughout this process, one thing that Steve and I always emphasize is the power of hope and resilience. Even in the darkest moments, there is always hope. There is always the possibility of healing, of growth, of transformation.
Hope doesn’t mean that everything will be perfect or that the pain will disappear overnight. But it does mean that things can get better, that you can find a way forward, that you can rebuild, whether that’s with your partner or on your own.
Resilience is about getting back up when you’ve been knocked down. It’s about finding the strength to keep going, even when it feels impossible. It’s about believing in your ability to heal, to grow, and to create a better future for yourself.
No matter where you are in this process, no matter how hopeless it may seem at times, know that you have the strength within you to get through this. You have the power to create the life you want, to find peace, and to heal.
Closing Thoughts
As we wrap up today’s episode, we want to leave you with this: Healing is a journey, not a destination. It’s a process that takes time, effort, and a lot of patience. But it’s also a journey that can lead to incredible growth, transformation, and ultimately, peace.
Whether you’re the addict or the partner, whether you choose to stay together or part ways, we encourage you to embrace this journey with an open heart and a commitment to your own well-being. Take the time you need to heal, seek out the support you need, and trust that you can find your way through this.
We’re here to support you every step of the way, and we’re grateful to be a part of your journey. If you need more support, if you have questions, or if you just want to connect with others who are going through the same thing, we encourage you to check out our Dare to Connect program. It’s a space where you can find community, guidance, and hope as you navigate this challenging path.
Thank you for joining us today. We appreciate your trust, your vulnerability, and your commitment to healing. We’ll see you in the next episode.
Take care, everyone.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program Dare to Connect
Find out more about Steve Moore at Ascension Counseling
Learn more about Mark Kastleman at Reclaim Counseling Services
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