This article is taken from PBSE episode 273, In the episode, hosts Mark and Steve explore the painful experience of betrayed partners who hear constant apologies and promises of effort from their addict partners, yet still feel unseen and emotionally abandoned. The article dives deep into the disconnect between words and meaningful change, the exhaustion of repeating unmet needs, and the critical importance of healthy, self-protective boundaries—not as tools to force change, but to preserve authenticity and emotional well-being. By unpacking concepts like capacity vs. willingness and redefining what real recovery and connection look like, the piece offers clarity, validation, and practical direction for anyone navigating the difficult path of healing after betrayal.
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Inside this Episode:
The Cry Behind the Question
At PBSE, we hear this question all the time—sometimes word-for-word, sometimes between the lines—but always with the same pain behind it. A betrayed partner reaches out with confusion, exhaustion, and heartbreak. “My porn addict partner keeps saying he’s sorry. He says he’s trying. But it doesn’t feel like my needs are really being seen or met. What do I do with that?”
The pain of this scenario isn’t just in the betrayal of trust or the wounds of addiction—it’s in the loneliness that follows. The loneliness of repeating yourself over and over again. The frustration of being told he’s “trying,” while nothing actually changes. The sadness of watching him focus more on how your pain makes him feel than on the devastation he’s caused.
These are not abstract struggles. They’re real, lived experiences—ones we’ve not only heard countless times, but have lived through ourselves. And the answer isn’t simple. But the clarity begins with this: “Sorry” and “I’m trying” are not the same as true recovery from porn and sex addiction.
Let’s talk about what that really means.
When “Sorry” Isn’t Enough
There’s something very real about a partner who wants to heal a relationship. When he says he’s sorry, maybe he means it. Maybe he even wants to be better. But too often, we see partners leaning hard into that apology, hoping it will carry the weight of all the pain. And it simply can’t.
Apologies can be sincere—and still completely inadequate. Especially in early recovery, an addict’s capacity to sit with pain, to hold space for the devastation he’s caused, is often extremely limited. He may mean well. He may even be going to therapy. But those steps, while essential, aren’t synonymous with being present. Not really.
What betrayed partners are often looking for is not just an apology. They’re looking to be seen. Deeply, truly seen in the betrayal trauma healing process. Not just for how they feel in a moment, but for the impact of betrayal—the trauma that rocks their foundation, the loss of safety, the collapse of trust.
We frequently hear betrayed partners say, “He listens, but he’s still not getting it.” And that makes sense. Because real understanding, real empathy, real ownership—it takes time, effort, and emotional development that most addicts don’t have early on. But it doesn’t mean you have to sit in limbo waiting.
When You’re Repeating Yourself, Something’s Broken
One of the most common coping mechanisms we see from betrayed partners is this: if I just explain it one more time… maybe this time, it will sink in.
We get that. We’ve lived it. You’re desperate for your partner to see the impact. You keep expressing your needs, and when he doesn't respond in a meaningful way, you try again. And again. And again. But here’s the truth—it’s not working. Because in many cases, the person on the other side doesn’t have the internal structure yet to receive what you’re saying.
What results is a vicious cycle. You pour out your pain, your boundaries, your hopes. He listens… maybe even nods. He says “I’m trying.” But the real shift—the one that says “I see you, and I’m changing because of it”—never comes.
This is the path to burnout. We’ve seen it happen countless times. The betrayed partner gives and gives and gives, holding on to the relationship while the addict is still getting ready to get ready. And then, one day, the tank is empty. She’s done. And by the time he’s finally ready to show up, she’s got nothing left to give.
That’s not weakness. That’s not failure. That’s just unsustainable. It’s what happens when a relationship has no boundaries.
Understanding Real Boundaries (They’re Not What You Think)
Let’s get something straight: boundaries are not weapons. They’re not ultimatums. They’re not “if you don’t change, I’m leaving” statements designed to scare your partner into better behavior.
Boundaries are about you—what you need to feel safe, healthy, and whole. They are shields, not swords. They protect your dignity, your values, and your energy. And most importantly, they protect your ability to stay emotionally sane in the face of chaos.
Boundaries don’t say, “You must change.” They say, “If you can’t meet me in my needs, I’ll make the changes necessary to take care of myself.” That might mean limiting conversations, ending certain patterns, or even taking space. But it always comes from self-care, not punishment.
Too often, betrayed partners weaponize boundaries out of fear or desperation. And when those boundaries are unclear, unspoken, or unenforced—they crumble. We’ve seen people declare, “If you ever look at porn again, I’m divorcing you,” in the heat of the moment… only to backpedal when that moment comes. That inconsistency damages trust—not just in the relationship, but in yourself.
What Healthy Boundaries Are
Let’s clear the air and define it plainly. Healthy boundaries are:
Grounded in your own wants and needs—not as a means of control, but as a declaration of what matters to you.
Specific, calmly communicated, and decided before the heat of conflict.
Paired with realistic consequences that you’re willing and able to follow through on.
Focused on protecting your emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being—not forcing a particular outcome from someone else.
If that sounds foreign or overwhelming, that’s okay. Most of us didn’t grow up learning how to do this. We learned manipulation, guilt, threats, or silence. But if you’re going to survive this process—and especially if you want to give the relationship a fighting chance—you’ll need to relearn what boundaries really are.
And when done right, they don’t destroy relationships. They clarify them.
When Capacity Isn’t the Same as Willingness
Here’s a critical distinction that many partners overlook: just because your addict partner is saying “I’m trying” doesn’t mean he can meet your needs right now.
There’s a real difference between willingness and capacity. Willingness is intention—it’s the “I want to get better.” Capacity is the follow-through—the ability to regulate emotions, hold space for pain, and consistently show up in real connection. And early in recovery, most addicts simply don’t have that.
That doesn’t excuse poor behavior. But it does demand that we take a hard look at what we’re asking, and whether we’re burning ourselves out trying to get blood from a stone.
Your partner might want to support you. But if he’s still deeply entrenched in thinking errors, emotional avoidance, or shame spirals, it’s not going to happen. That’s where boundaries come in—not to punish him, but to protect you.
What If He Never “Gets It”?
This is the question that’s always hanging in the air, whether it's said out loud or not. What if he never sees me? What if he never changes? What if I stay, and nothing gets better?
There’s no easy answer. But there is a clear process.
First, understand your impact. This is why we often recommend a formal disclosure process—so that the addict can face the full scope of his betrayal, and the betrayed partner can articulate how it’s affected her, deeply and specifically. This isn’t about blame. It’s about reality.
Second, understand your values. What matters to you at your core? What are your non-negotiables for a safe and meaningful relationship? These aren’t about control. They’re about compatibility.
Third, look at capacity. Is your partner doing the work? Is he learning, growing, showing up in meaningful ways over time? Or is he just putting in the minimum to keep things afloat?
And finally, understand your limits. There may come a point where the gap between what you need and what your partner can give is too wide to bridge. That doesn’t make you weak. It makes you honest.
You’re Not Alone—There’s Help
If this feels like a lot, it is. These conversations aren’t easy. The process of healing from betrayal trauma and building a new kind of relationship—one based on truth, intimacy, and mutual respect—is no small thing. But you don’t have to do it alone.
At PBSE, and especially in our Dare to Connect program, we walk with people every day through the thick of this journey. We dive deep into concepts like the drama triangle, healthy boundaries, emotional attunement, and long-term recovery strategies. We do it with raw honesty, real tools, and a whole lot of heart.
If your partner keeps saying sorry and swearing he’s trying—but your needs are still not being met—it's time for something more. Time for clarity. Time for protection. Time for truth.
Because you deserve to be seen. Not just heard. Not just tolerated. But truly seen.
And if your partner is serious about recovery? He’ll get there. And if he’s not? You’ll be strong enough to decide what’s next.
We believe in your healing—whatever that looks like.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program Dare to Connect
Find out more about Steve Moore at Ascension Counseling
Learn more about Mark Kastleman at Reclaim Counseling Services
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