My Habit of “Pornifying” Everything has Ruined Enjoyable Media for Me & My Partner! Can We Ever be “Healthy” Again?
- 13 hours ago
- 9 min read
This article (from PBSE Podcast Episode 277) explores the impact of pornography addiction on shared media enjoyment within a relationship, focusing on how the compulsive “pornification” of everyday media—such as video games, cartoons, and television—can contaminate formerly innocent experiences for both the addict and their partner. Drawing from personal and clinical experience, the authors emphasize that reclaiming these media spaces is possible, but only through a foundation of sustained sobriety, deep self-reflection, and open, honest dialogue between partners. The journey involves redefining boundaries, confronting personal and relational triggers, and fostering new, intentional habits that promote authenticity, connection, and mutual safety. While the answer to whether couples can ever “enjoy” again is a cautious “maybe,” that possibility becomes a meaningful “yes” when it is built on trust, recovery, and a shared commitment to healing.
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Inside this Episode:
A Question That Cuts to the Heart
We’re frequently asked tough questions, but this one from a recovering addict really stood out. Rather than coming from the betrayed partner—where we usually hear concerns about media use and addiction—it came from the addict himself, showing commendable self-awareness. He shared how a significant part of his sexual addiction wasn’t just traditional pornography but included sexualized versions of video game and television characters, including cosplay and explicit fan art. This had deeply affected his long-term relationship with his partner, who shared many of his interests. Now, both of them struggle to enjoy once-cherished forms of media that had been a part of their personalities and daily lives. The question was straightforward and vulnerable: “Can we ever be healthy again?”
It’s a powerful question. And one that really gets to the heart of what pornography does—not just to the person who consumes it, but to the relationship and to shared emotional and psychological spaces. So much of what used to bring joy becomes contaminated, distorted, and difficult to approach again. Whether it’s a favorite cartoon, video game, or even a piece of music, the ability to experience these things innocently or together gets warped. And, as we discuss in the podcast, once something has been pornified in the brain, reclaiming it isn’t as simple as just "deciding" to do so.
There’s an old myth that we hear all the time: “Porn is harmless.” We’ve spent decades of our lives debunking this falsehood—both in our own lives and in the lives of countless clients. The myth persists in part because people underestimate how deeply the brain embeds these associations and how far-reaching the consequences can be. Once media has been sexualized in a person’s brain, especially during addiction, it doesn’t just revert to being neutral.
This experience is not just theoretical. It’s real. Many addicts, including ourselves, have had to contend with the reality that there is no mental “switchboard” where we can turn off objectification in one part of life and keep it alive in another. The brain doesn’t work like that. Once you’ve trained your brain to sexualize or objectify on command, it will seek to do so everywhere. That’s why even things that are seemingly innocent—cartoons, sitcoms, songs—can become triggers.
So, when a listener writes in and asks whether he and his partner can ever get back to “healthy” enjoyment of media, the answer is honest: “Maybe.” The path back isn’t simple, and it isn’t always linear. But it is possible, and we’ve seen it happen.
A Society Saturated with Sexualization
We live in a culture where objectification is the norm, not the exception. The phrase “sex sells” isn’t just a slogan—it’s the operating framework of much of modern media. Even if someone isn’t seeking pornography, it’s hard to avoid it. Media has become so saturated with sexualized content that even harmless outlets are frequently co-opted and distorted by pornographic influence. From children’s shows to fantasy video games, things meant to be playful, imaginative, or even sacred are re-rendered into erotic fantasies.
This cultural saturation blurs boundaries for addicts. When someone is deeply entrenched in compulsive sexual behavior, their brain learns to scan for and latch onto anything it can sexualize. This leads to what we often call “escalation.” It’s the slippery slope where limits that once seemed immovable are crossed without a second thought. That’s why so many of us can look back and say, “I never thought I’d go that far,” and yet we did.
This isn’t just about one person’s boundaries either. It affects the relationship. When both people have enjoyed something—a show, a game, a character—and that thing becomes a source of betrayal or discomfort, the shared space is broken. Now it carries trauma. This sense of loss and violation is real. And the journey of reclaiming that shared space is both delicate and difficult.
Yet even within this dark reality, there is a critical distinction to make: it’s not always the media itself that’s inherently toxic. Certainly, some media is designed to exploit sexuality in harmful ways. But much of it exists on a spectrum. The true issue lies in how media is engaged with. The deeper questions are: What meaning does this hold for me? How has it affected my mind, my partner, our connection?
The journey of healing begins when we start being radically honest about those questions. Before anything can be “reclaimed,” it has to be seen for what it is—not just in content, but in context.
Understanding Boundaries as Self-Protection
We often encounter confusion around the concept of boundaries. Many assume boundaries are about controlling others. But real, authentic boundaries begin with the self. They are about protecting your inner world—your values, vision, integrity, and emotional safety. In this case, boundaries are critical in reclaiming enjoyment of previously triggering media. Without boundaries, we re-expose ourselves to environments and stimuli that quietly undermine our recovery.
The addict who wrote in asked whether he and his partner could enjoy media again. Before answering that, we have to ask: What are your boundaries? What’s your recovery vision? Where do you want to go, and is this media compatible with that direction? Because what boundaries do is safeguard the journey toward that vision. They help us stay on course.
This process is more than simply saying “no” to things. It’s about understanding what you’re saying “yes” to. What are you protecting? What are you building? We don’t just abstain from media or behaviors out of fear; we do it because we’re constructing something better—something sustainable and real. And sometimes that means cutting out the things that used to bring us pleasure because, in this season of life, they bring harm.
We’ve worked with countless clients who’ve had to ask these hard questions. Is watching a particular show or playing a certain game worth the relational cost? What’s the emotional payoff versus the emotional risk? What values does it support—or undermine?
When we start filtering decisions through the lens of boundaries and vision, we move from reactivity to intentionality. And that’s a core principle of sustainable recovery.
Sobriety First: The Non-Negotiable Foundation
Before any talk of “reclaiming” media can happen, sobriety must be firmly in place. This means distancing yourself from the old, compulsive ways of consuming media—not just the sexualized content, but anything tied to the addictive mindset. It’s not just about removing the content; it’s about breaking the associations. That’s what true neurological healing looks like.
We speak from experience. In early recovery, we both had to detox from media that we used to escape, dissociate, or arouse ourselves. For Steve, video games were more than a hobby—they were an addiction. His console became a symbol of regression, escape, and betrayal. He got rid of it three times before finally surrendering to the reality that, at that stage of recovery, it couldn’t coexist with sobriety.
This phase is difficult. It often involves grief. There’s a sense of loss when we disconnect from parts of our identity or pastimes we used to enjoy. But this stage is necessary. You can’t rebuild trust with a partner—or with yourself—if the very tools of your betrayal are still accessible. That’s why “maybe someday” cannot become “let’s try it today.” Timing matters. Healing takes time.
Once a person has gone through this detox phase, then and only then can the question be considered: Is it possible to reintroduce this media in a healthy way? That doesn’t mean the answer is “yes.” But it means the answer is now grounded in sobriety, not fantasy.
And from there, everything changes. Because now you’re choosing—not needing. And there's a world of difference between the two.
Honest Conversations: With Self and Partner
After achieving sustained sobriety and distancing from the compulsive patterns, the next step involves honest, rigorous conversations—first with oneself, then with one’s partner. Before asking “Can we watch this show again?” or “Can I play this game again?”, one must ask: “Do I even want to?” Many skip this step, but it’s crucial.
There’s a tendency to assume that the end goal of recovery is getting everything back. But some things may not be worth reclaiming. The question isn’t whether something is good or bad in general—it’s whether it’s good or bad for me. For us. Today. In this context.
Once the individual has come to terms with this, the conversation must then include the partner. Because even if media is no longer triggering to the recovering addict, it may still be triggering for the betrayed partner. Rebuilding trust requires mutual safety, and that involves processing the past, the associations, and the boundaries together.
This is where deep empathy is needed. A spouse who was lied to for years, who saw media become a weapon of betrayal, needs to feel heard and validated. It's not about convincing them that “things are different now.” It’s about showing them—over time—that they truly are.
Only from this foundation of shared clarity and mutual care can the couple consider what, if anything, to bring back into their lives. And even then, it must be approached slowly, deliberately, and conditionally.
Planning, Practicing, and Protecting
If a couple chooses to experiment with reintroducing certain media, it must be done with clear boundaries and contingency plans in place. This isn’t about diving back in. It’s about cautious, incremental steps backed by transparency and accountability.
Take, for example, watching a TV show together that was once enjoyed but now carries triggers. The plan might include vetting episodes in advance using content review sites like Kids-In-Mind or Common Sense Media. It might involve agreed-upon check-ins before and after, to process reactions and reinforce safety. The goal isn’t to “go back to how it was”—it’s to forge a new path forward.
Steve and his wife went through exactly this process with video games. After years of abstaining, they cautiously discussed whether it could be reintroduced. Even once they agreed to try, it came with strict guidelines, check-ins, and complete openness. It wasn’t a reversion—it was a reinvention.
Importantly, couples also need to identify alternatives. What are other ways we can connect, unwind, or entertain ourselves? What are other forms of shared interest that don’t carry the same baggage? Recovery isn’t just about avoiding bad things—it’s about building a life so full of good things that the old ones no longer hold sway.
When approached this way, reintroducing media can be more than safe—it can be redemptive. But only when it’s rooted in intention, mutual agreement, and ongoing evaluation.
Reclaiming Innocence: A Lifelong Practice
The greatest myth in addiction recovery is that once something is ruined, it’s gone forever. We challenge that. While some things may never return to exactly how they were, that doesn’t mean they can’t be beautiful again in new ways. The concept of “reclaiming innocence” is not about forgetting the past—it’s about transforming the future.
We’ve both experienced this. Media that was once a tool of escape and dysfunction has, in time, become a space for play, connection, and even joy. But it happened not by accident, and not by force. It happened by being intentional, honest, and flexible.
One of the most powerful tools in this journey is practicing what we call “seeing the whole.” Objectification breaks things—and people—into parts. Recovery means learning to see fully again. To move away from scanning and lusting and toward appreciating and valuing. This applies not just to people but to experiences. Whether it’s a movie, a song, or a cartoon, we can learn to engage with it from a place of wholeness rather than distortion.
This practice also equips us for parenting, mentoring, and leading in a digital age. It helps us model to others—not just what to avoid, but what to pursue. It invites us into lives of depth, integrity, and freedom.
And so yes—while some things may never be exactly the same again, many things can become good again. Not because the world changed, but because we did.
Final Thoughts: The “Maybe” That Matters
So, can you and your partner ever enjoy these things again? The answer is: maybe. But that “maybe” is not empty. It’s filled with possibility, growth, and honest work.
It’s a “maybe” that begins with sobriety, progresses through self-awareness, and continues through open, courageous conversation. It’s a “maybe” that respects both partners’ realities, histories, and needs. It’s a “maybe” that creates space for alternatives and fosters deeper connection.
Most importantly, it’s a “maybe” that can become a powerful “yes”—not to the old way of doing things, but to a new, deliberate, and authentic way forward.
We’ve seen it. We’ve lived it. And so can you.
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