Sex Isn't Mutually Pleasurable in our Relationship. How do We Elevate the Experience?
- 4 days ago
- 6 min read
This article, based on PBSE Podcast episode 274, explores the emotional and relational struggles that arise when sex in a relationship becomes one-sided and disconnected, particularly in the context of porn addiction recovery. Through a partner's heartfelt submission, Mark and Steve delve into the distinction between sex and intimacy, the neurological impact of addiction, and the illusion of progress when sobriety isn't accompanied by emotional growth. They emphasize that while the past may have been shaped by addiction and trauma, couples have the power to reclaim their sexual narrative by tearing down old patterns and intentionally rebuilding a connected, mutually fulfilling intimacy—if they’re willing to do the work together.
LISTEN TO EPISODE—
Inside this Episode:
Introduction: When Intimacy Becomes Isolation
In a relationship where emotional connection is supposed to be the backbone of intimacy, what happens when sex begins to feel more like a solo performance than a shared experience? This episode of the PBSE Podcast dives into that exact dilemma. One partner trying to heal from betrayal trauma, bravely shared her experience of years spent feeling objectified and emotionally discarded during sex with her partner who struggles with a long-standing porn addiction. Her story is deeply personal, but unfortunately, far from uncommon.
As a couple, they are at a turning point. The sex in their relationship has become a chore—disconnected, transactional, and void of mutual pleasure. What she envisioned as a turning point in their relationship—his giving up porn and masturbation—has become a different kind of frustration. Now, she feels like she's simply replaced his addiction, a vessel for release and climax rather than a partner in a shared, intimate dance.
Mark and Steve tackle this topic head-on, emphasizing that while the scenario is heartbreaking, it is also deeply changeable. The couple is standing at the precipice of what could be a transformational remodel of their relationship—if they are willing to ask the hard questions and do the hard work.
The Hidden Solo Act in a Relationship
Too many relationships suffer in silence under the illusion of shared intimacy. What may appear from the outside as a healthy sex life is often a one-sided performance where one partner checks out the moment climax is reached. As the podcast hosts noted, it's a phenomenon that is surprisingly common, even in long-term marriages with children.
A lack of sexual education, cultural misconceptions, and deeply ingrained pornified norms have distorted how many people view sex and intimacy. Mark and Steve see it regularly: couples who, despite being physically active in their sex lives, have little idea how to genuinely connect through it. Women who didn’t know they were capable of orgasm. Men who didn't realize their partner's pleasure mattered and/or were completely out of tune with what she truly desires at the deepest level of intimacy.
The core issue? Intimacy and sex are not the same thing. Sex can be mechanical, goal-oriented, and disconnected—especially when shaped by years of pornography consumption. Intimacy, on the other hand, is about connection, mindfulness, and mutual investment. It is no surprise then that many recovering addicts, even after achieving sobriety from porn, find themselves still operating in the same disconnected mindset.
And that solo mindset, where one partner's pleasure takes precedence, leaves the other feeling unseen and unheard. As Mark reflects from his own past, "You're here, but you're not here."
When Sobriety Isn’t Enough
For many addicts, abstaining from porn and masturbation feels like the ultimate goal. And it is a significant milestone. But as the partner in the podcast episode revealed, sobriety alone does not equal intimacy.
She described how even though her partner had stopped watching porn, she felt like he simply replaced it with her. The dynamics were the same: she became a tool to facilitate climax, not a person to connect with. He'd talk about dinner or even turn on the TV during her "turn." The transactional nature of their sex life hadn't changed. Only the players had.
Mark and Steve call this out for what it is: sexual sobriety without emotional maturity. It’s what happens when an addict doesn't examine the deep-rooted beliefs and behaviors that underpin their addiction. Without that, the addict remains in a dopamine-driven loop, jumping over the oxytocin-rich, emotionally connected parts of intimacy just to get to the high.
Recovery must go beyond behavior. It needs to be about transformation—a rewiring of expectations, habits, and desires. And yes, that means the difficult task of unlearning years or even decades of conditioned behavior.
Understanding the Neuroscience of Disconnection
What causes someone to pursue sex like a fix rather than a form of bonding? Mark and Steve reference powerful neuroscience research that reveals the addictive cocktail of chemicals released during sexual activity: dopamine, endorphins, oxytocin. When sex becomes about chasing that dopamine high, the pursuit of climax overshadows everything else—including the partner.
They warn, "Be careful what you climax to." Because the body literally etches those patterns into the brain's wiring. Over time, this solidifies a narrow, goal-driven perspective of sex. Porn doesn’t just alter sexual tastes; it alters the brain’s capacity to connect.
This explains why many addicts, even post-sobriety, struggle to stay present during sex. They're operating on a script their brain has followed for years. Their bodies chase pleasure, while their minds disconnect. It’s not a lack of care for their partner—it’s that their wiring has made it difficult to be truly present.
But here's the good news: neuroplasticity means the brain can change. With intention, awareness, and work, addicts can rewire themselves for connection over climax.
Remodeling the Sexual Relationship
Mark and Steve introduce the idea of a "remodel" as a metaphor for transforming a broken sexual relationship. Imagine your sex life as a bathroom that’s outdated, broken, maybe even toxic. The first step is gutting it. Tear out the moldy tiles, the broken faucets—everything that no longer serves the couple.
In practical terms, this means asking the big questions: What parts of our sex life bring connection? Which parts leave us feeling alone? What do we want sex to mean in our relationship?
This isn’t about applying a fresh coat of paint. It may involve scrapping everything you thought sex should be and building something new from the ground up. That includes redefining what intimacy means, setting new goals for sexual interaction, and creating a shared vision for what sex could become.
And here’s where it gets real: both partners have to be brave enough to ask hard questions of themselves and each other. Is sex a place where I find connection, or is it just another escape? Is my partner someone I pursue and cherish, or someone I use?
Taking Back the Pen: Reclaiming the Narrative
Too often, addiction and trauma are the only voices writing the story of a couple's sex life. They control the narrative, setting the tone and direction without consent. But recovery is about taking back the pen.
This partner who wrote in is beginning to do just that. She’s questioning the current narrative. She's asking whether her husband is capable of intimacy or merely rehearsing old addiction patterns. She's beginning to advocate for a new chapter.
Mark and Steve emphasize that changing the story means more than saying "no" to what you don’t want. It’s about intentionally writing what you do want. What does healthy sexuality look like? What does it feel like? How can both partners be seen, heard, and valued?
This process requires honesty, humility, and a lot of uncomfortable conversations. But those conversations are the birthplace of authentic connection. They’re the blueprint for a new, deeply fulfilling sexual relationship—one based on love, not lust; connection, not climax.
The Power and Possibility of Change
Despite the pain and dysfunction described, this couple is at a powerful starting point. The fact that porn and masturbation are reportedly out of the picture is significant. It means the addict has taken the first step in dropping the harmful pen. Now, they can co-author the next chapters.
But awareness must translate into action. That includes examining old patterns, opening up honest dialogues, and creating new rituals around sex and intimacy. It’s not enough to simply want change—they must live it.
As Steve and Mark stress, the real question isn't whether change is possible. It's whether there's willingness. The capacity for connection lives in every human being. But it requires effort, vulnerability, and accountability to unlock.
Recovery opens a doorway. Through it lies not just sobriety, but an authentic relationship built on connection, not transaction. Not just sex, but shared intimacy. Not just "getting it done," but elevating it to something sacred.
Conclusion: From Performance to Partnership
This episode reminds us that recovery is more than behavior management. It's about rebuilding from the foundation up. Whether you're the addict or the partner, the journey toward mutual sexual fulfillment is a joint venture, requiring both courage and compassion.
In a world that often treats sex as product and people as dispensable, choosing to transform your sexuality into a space of shared joy is nothing short of revolutionary.
Mark and Steve offer more than just advice. They extend a lifeline—a chance to rewrite your story. And it begins by daring to ask: What do we want our sex life to be? Then grabbing that pen and writing it together.
To explore this journey deeper, consider the tools and guidance offered in the Dare to Connect program. Because no couple should settle for surviving when they could be thriving.
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