Consideration in recovery is a transformative practice that bridges sobriety to emotional healing by prioritizing empathy, thoughtfulness, and proactive care for one’s partner. It means stopping to reflect on how actions will affect your partner, given their pain and history, and leading out with choices that foster emotional safety. While addicts often face barriers like fear of vulnerability and learned selfishness, betrayed partners struggle with trust, hypervigilance, and resentment. Overcoming these challenges requires consistent action, validation of pain, and proactive communication. When practiced daily, consideration rebuilds trust, deepens connection, and fosters a collaborative relationship where both partners feel valued, chosen, and safe.
LISTEN TO EPISODE—
Inside this Episode:
Introduction
Recovery from addiction and healing from betrayal trauma are not easy roads to walk. They are filled with pain, hope, growth, and, at times, setbacks. Yet, among the many tools and concepts that aid the recovery process, one word holds particularly transformative power: consideration. This concept, while seemingly simple, has the capacity to radically improve relationships and create deeper emotional intimacy when practiced consistently.
In today's discussion, we explore what "consideration" really means in the context of recovery and healing. We'll share stories, struggles, and insights to show how practicing true consideration can bridge divides, rebuild trust, and bring couples closer together.
The Submission that Sparked the Discussion
The inspiration for this topic came from a heartfelt submission we received from a betrayed partner. Her words encapsulate a struggle that many couples in recovery face. She wrote:
"It has been 18 months since D-Day, and my husband has been sober for six months.
Recently, he went on a work trip, which already triggered a lot of anxiety for me. While he was there, I received a receipt for a movie he watched that contained nudity and sexual content. Even though I trust that he skipped the raunchy scenes, the issue is that there was no consideration for how this would make me feel.
This has been a common theme in our marriage. I have so much compassion for how he got here, but it doesn't seem to go both ways. His sobriety is there, but the selfishness and entitlement don’t seem to be shifting. I’ve asked for an in-home separation because I can't keep living like this. How can I get him to understand how much this hurts?"
These words hit home for so many couples navigating recovery. Sobriety may be present, but without consideration—the conscious choice to think about your partner’s feelings and anticipate their emotional needs—the pain lingers.
What Does "Consideration" Really Mean?
At its essence, consideration is more than just being polite or avoiding hurtful actions. It’s about leading out. It’s a proactive, heartfelt process of thinking, "How will my actions affect my partner, given their history, their trauma, and everything we’ve been through?"
When we talk about consideration, we’re talking about something deeper than just surface-level thoughtfulness. It requires empathy, emotional maturity, and a willingness to see beyond yourself. It’s about understanding that the impact of our actions matters just as much as our intentions.
Take the story we shared earlier about a man whose voyeuristic behaviors had caused immense trauma in his marriage. After years of sobriety, his wife still felt triggered every time he went outside because she associated those moments with past betrayals. One day, while walking outside to move a car, he noticed a neighbor’s garage door open—a significant trigger given his past behavior.
At that moment, he did something he had never done before: he paused. He thought about how his wife would feel if she saw him near that garage. Rather than continuing, he turned around, went inside, and told his wife exactly what had happened. For the first time in 20 years, she felt truly considered. She saw him choosing her over his past behaviors, and it brought her to tears.
This is what consideration looks like: stopping to think, empathizing with your partner’s experience, and leading out with actions that prioritize their emotional safety.
Here's a past PBSE podcast that helps addicts in recovery restore trust after betraying their partners—"After Lying & Gaslighting, My Partner Won't Believe Me! How Do I Show True Empathy & Rebuild Trust?"
Why Consideration is Essential for Healing
In recovery, sobriety is only the foundation. Trust and emotional safety are rebuilt not through words but through actions—through consistent, intentional choices that show your partner they matter. This is where consideration comes in.
For many betrayed partners, the pain isn’t just about the addiction itself. It’s about the ongoing lack of awareness, empathy, and thoughtfulness that often persist even after sobriety begins. One partner we worked with summed it up perfectly: “He’s sober, but it still feels like I’m an afterthought. I want to feel chosen and cherished.”
Consideration is the bridge that connects sobriety to emotional intimacy. It says, "I see you. I care about how my actions impact you. You are not alone in this." It’s a powerful, proactive step that transforms relationships.
For addicts, practicing consideration is an act of vulnerability. It means breaking old patterns of selfishness and emotional disconnection. It means saying, "I’m willing to look at how my actions affect you, even if it’s uncomfortable or inconvenient."
This shift is monumental. When addicts learn to consistently consider their partners, they begin to create a new narrative—one built on empathy, connection, and trust.
The Barriers to Consideration
While the idea of consideration may sound simple, practicing it is far from easy. For both addicts and betrayed partners, there are significant barriers that must be addressed:
For Addicts:
Lack of Emotional Awareness: Many addicts grew up in environments where emotions were suppressed, ignored, or weaponized. They never learned how to connect emotionally, let alone consider someone else’s feelings.
Fear of Vulnerability: Vulnerability feels risky. Addicts often fear that being emotionally open will make them look weak, be weaponized against them, or lead to rejection
Self-Centered Coping: Addiction thrives on selfishness. The addicted mind prioritizes escape and self-soothing over connection and empathy. Breaking this habit takes time and effort.
Shame and Defensiveness: Many addicts get defensive when their partner expresses pain, seeing it as a personal attack rather than an opportunity for connection.
For Betrayed Partners:
Fear of Being Hurt Again: After experiencing betrayal, many partners struggle to trust that their spouse’s actions are genuine. Vulnerability feels dangerous—like opening the door to more pain.
Hypervigilance: Betrayed partners often become hyperaware of their spouse’s actions. While this is a natural response to trauma, it can make it difficult to see progress or trust small acts of consideration.
Resentment and Anger: Years of betrayal and emotional neglect can create deep resentment. Partners may struggle to extend grace or recognize efforts toward consideration.
Going it Alone: In relationships where trust has been broken, partners often learn to emotionally detach and “go it alone” as a form of self-protection. Rebuilding connection requires undoing this mindset.
When a partner has experienced years or decades of betrayal, it can be very hard to have hope or start to trust—especially when the addict does NOT show empathy. Here's a PBSE podcast to help betrayed partners with this challenge—"My Porn/Sex Addict Partner’s “Empathy Button” is Broken! What Can I Do?"
How to Practice True Consideration
If you’re ready to start practicing consideration, here are some practical steps to guide you:
Pause Before You Act: Build the habit of stopping to think before you make decisions. Ask yourself, “How will this affect my partner, given their history and pain?”
Lead Out Proactively: Don’t wait for your partner to express hurt. Take initiative by anticipating their emotional needs and acting accordingly. For example, if you’re going on a work trip, create a plan to minimize triggers and maintain trust.
Step Into Their Shoes: Practice empathy by imagining how your partner feels. What would it be like to experience the world through their eyes, given the trauma they’ve been through?
Validate Their Pain: When your partner shares hurt, don’t get defensive. Instead, validate their experience. Say, “I can see why that would be hard for you. I’m so sorry.”
Take Consistent Action: Consideration isn’t a one-time gesture—it’s a daily practice. Show your partner through consistent actions that you are thinking of them and prioritizing their emotional safety.
The Transformative Power of Consideration
When practiced consistently, consideration has the power to transform relationships. It creates an environment where trust can be rebuilt, intimacy can flourish, and healing can occur.
For betrayed partners, consideration brings a sense of safety and hope. It shows them that they are seen, valued, and chosen. For addicts, practicing consideration fosters emotional growth and connection. It moves them away from selfish, destructive patterns and toward a healthier, more fulfilling way of living.
Ultimately, consideration is about collaboration. It’s about linking arms as partners and saying, “We’re in this together.” When both partners commit to considering each other, they create a relationship built on empathy, trust, and love.
If you’re ready to take the next step in your recovery and healing, don’t go it alone. Programs like Dare to Connect offer the tools, support, and guidance you need to create real, lasting change. Don’t wait—start practicing consideration today and experience the transformative power it can bring to your relationship
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program Dare to Connect
Find out more about Steve Moore at Ascension Counseling
Learn more about Mark Kastleman at Reclaim Counseling Services
Comments