This article explores the misconception that a formal diagnosis is necessary to validate the harmful effects of pornography use in relationships. Drawing from a listener's submission to the PBSE podcast, it addresses the damaging impact of relying on labels like "addiction" to avoid accountability. The piece emphasizes that whether or not someone is diagnosed as an addict, behaviors like repeated dishonesty and broken promises can cause significant harm to both partners. It highlights the importance of setting firm boundaries, focusing on the behavior’s impact rather than labels, and fostering collaboration between partners for true healing and recovery.
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Inside this Episode:
Introduction
We’ve all been there—caught in a loop of confusion, trying to make sense of what’s going on in our relationships. It’s one of the toughest things to navigate: figuring out whether your partner’s behavior, especially around something like pornography, is truly a problem or if you’re just overreacting. In today’s article, we’re diving deep into this question: Is my partner’s porn use only a problem if they’re diagnosed as an addict? If there’s no diagnosis, can I still consider it an issue? Does that make it less serious?
We’re going to dissect these questions by addressing a powerful submission from a listener who brought this dilemma to the PBSE Podcast. Her story is relatable to many, and it’s filled with the complexities that come when you’re trying to reconcile the difference between what feels wrong and what your partner might say “isn’t a big deal.” We’re going to break down the misconceptions around addiction labels, explore how addiction actually functions (with or without a diagnosis), and discuss why boundaries are critical, not just for your partner, but for you as well. Let’s dig in.
The Misconception of Diagnosis: Does It Matter?
When the listener submitted her story, she laid it all out: She and her partner had initially agreed that porn wasn’t a form of cheating in their relationship. But as time went on and she discovered more about his use of pornography—particularly through his Reddit account—she began to feel something deep within her. She described a gut reaction, a feeling in her soul that what she was witnessing was infidelity, even if it wasn’t physically with another person.
At first, her partner was surprisingly supportive when she brought it up, agreeing that moving forward, porn would be considered cheating in their relationship. So far, so good, right? But as time went on, she kept finding evidence of his porn use. He’d deny it at first, then eventually admit it, go through a phase of “doing better,” only to slip back into the same behaviors again. Sound familiar? It’s a cycle that many who are struggling with addiction, or at least compulsive behaviors, know all too well.
Now, here’s where things take a twist. After being caught multiple times, the partner eventually says he doesn’t want to be labeled as an addict. In fact, he insists that until he gets an official diagnosis from a professional, there’s no reason to believe his behavior is problematic. The listener was left feeling angry, frustrated, and confused. How could he not see that his behavior—whether labeled as addiction or not—was wreaking havoc on their relationship?
This brings us to the crux of the issue: Is a formal diagnosis necessary for something to be a problem? Does labeling someone an “addict” change the impact of their behavior? The answer, as Mark and Steve discussed in the podcast, is a resounding no. Waiting for a diagnosis can sometimes be nothing more than an excuse to avoid accountability. Whether or not you’ve got a certificate saying you’re an addict doesn’t change the fact that the behavior is causing real damage—both to the person engaging in it and to those around them.
Recognizing Addiction Without the Label
We’ve been conditioned to think that unless something is officially diagnosed, it doesn’t really exist. This is especially true when it comes to addiction. If you’ve been waiting for your partner—or even yourself—to hit rock bottom before acknowledging the problem, you’re falling into a dangerous trap. As Mark shared on the podcast, addiction happens on a spectrum, and it’s not always as black and white as we might like it to be.
Let’s break this down: Addiction, whether it's to substances, behaviors, or even processes like gambling or pornography, is about more than frequency or intensity. It’s about impact. The question is not whether your partner meets a certain clinical definition of addiction; it’s whether their behavior is causing harm. If your partner is consistently lying, sneaking around, and failing to keep promises about their behavior, that’s a huge red flag—diagnosis or not.
The more you focus on whether it’s an addiction or not, the more you miss the point.
In the listener’s case, her partner was stuck in a pattern. He would be caught using porn, deny it, and then eventually admit to it after being confronted with evidence. He’d express remorse, do well for a while, and then slip back into the same old behaviors. This cycle of relapse, remorse, and relapse again is a textbook example of addiction, even if the word “addict” is never used. Whether he had an official diagnosis wasn’t the issue. The issue was that he couldn’t stop the behavior despite knowing it was hurting his partner and putting his job in jeopardy.
Steve shared a personal example on the podcast, recounting his own journey through recovery. He was a licensed therapist running an addiction recovery group at the time of his low point, yet he didn’t believe he had a problem. He thought he was unique because of his professional background. It wasn’t until he had a painful conversation with his wife and recognized the risks he was taking in his professional and personal life that he began to acknowledge the problem for what it was. His experience mirrors what many addicts go through: a deep-seated belief that their situation is somehow different, that they aren’t “as bad” as others, and that the consequences aren’t as severe.
For a deeper dive on porn addiction and recovery, take a look at this past PBSE episode—What Keeps us Stuck in Addiction and What Does “Real” Recovery Look Like?
The Danger of Excuses: Why Accountability Matters
The listener’s partner made a classic move—he pointed to the absence of a diagnosis as a way to sidestep responsibility. By saying he needed a professional to tell him he had a problem, he was avoiding the hard truth staring him in the face: His actions were creating negative consequences in his life and his relationship, and yet he was unwilling (or unable) to stop. This is where things get tricky. It’s not that he couldn’t recognize the behavior was problematic; it’s that he wanted to delay or deflect responsibility by asking for a diagnosis.
Mark and Steve discussed how easy it is to get caught up in the semantics of addiction—whether it’s a full-blown addiction, a compulsion, or just “bad behavior.” These discussions can go on forever, but at the end of the day, the label doesn’t matter as much as the impact. If the behavior is causing harm, it’s a problem. Period. The listener’s partner was clearly engaging in behaviors that were harmful—watching porn at work, breaking trust in the relationship, and creating a cycle of dishonesty and hurt. But rather than own up to the problem, he used the lack of a diagnosis as a shield to avoid confronting the truth.
This kind of excuse-making is common, and it’s something we’ve seen time and time again in our work. It’s easier to deflect and argue about definitions than to face the pain of admitting there’s a problem. But here’s the hard truth: Whether it’s diagnosed as an addiction or not, the behavior is still causing real damage, and delaying accountability only prolongs the suffering for everyone involved.
Boundaries: Protecting Yourself While Your Partner Struggles
One of the most critical elements of this listener’s story is the role of boundaries—or the lack thereof. In her submission, she explained that every time she caught her partner in a lie, they’d go through the same pattern. She’d uncover his behavior, he’d deny it, then eventually confess and promise to do better. He might have done well for a short time, but eventually, he’d slip up again, and the cycle would start over.
This is exhausting. Not only does it drain emotional energy, but it also erodes trust. Without clear boundaries and consistent consequences, her partner had no real incentive to change. This is where many partners of addicts find themselves: trapped in a cycle of playing detective, hoping their partner will change, and feeling heartbroken when the behavior inevitably returns.
Mark and Steve emphasized that boundaries are not about controlling the other person. They’re about maintaining your own emotional safety. Boundaries are the way you protect yourself from being continuously hurt by the same patterns of behavior. And here’s the key—setting boundaries means clearly outlining what behaviors are unacceptable to you and what the consequences will be if those boundaries are crossed. It’s not about punishment; it’s about self-protection.
For the listener, this could mean setting firm boundaries around her partner’s pornography use and the dishonesty that comes with it. Maybe it’s as simple as saying, “If you lie to me about this again, we’re going to separate for a while so I can protect myself emotionally.” Or, “If you’re unwilling to get help for this, I need to reassess whether this relationship is right for me.” Boundaries are about making sure you’re not continually putting yourself in a position to be hurt. They give you the power to take control of your own emotional health, even if your partner is still struggling.
Collaboration: The Path to Healing Together
At the end of the day, relationships thrive on collaboration. It’s not about control, coercion, or compliance. If your relationship is going to survive a struggle like this, both partners need to be willing to work together toward healing. This means setting aside ego, letting go of the need to be right, and focusing on building a future together.
Collaboration requires honesty, vulnerability, and a willingness to face hard truths. For the listener, this might mean having an open conversation with her partner about what she needs to feel safe and secure in the relationship. It might mean saying, “I love you, but I can’t continue in this relationship unless you’re willing to make some real changes.” On the flip side, her partner needs to ask himself some hard questions, too: “Am I willing to do the work to change? Am I ready to face the reality of my behavior and the impact it’s having on my life and my partner?”
Mark and Steve emphasized that true recovery is not about compliance—doing just enough to keep the peace. It’s about real, lasting change, and that only comes when both partners are willing to put in the effort. Collaboration means being on the same team, fighting for the relationship together, and recognizing that healing isn’t a one-sided endeavor. It’s about both people working to rebuild trust, intimacy, and connection.
For more on "collaborating" as a couple in the "hard," see our special 250th PBSE episode: Collaborating as a Couple in the Hard Struggle of Recovery & Healing
Conclusion: Let Go of the Diagnosis Debate
In the end, waiting for a diagnosis to validate whether or not something is a problem is just an excuse. The listener’s partner was using the absence of a formal label to avoid accountability, but as we’ve discussed, the label doesn’t matter. What matters is the impact—the behavior is hurting the relationship, creating distrust, and putting both partners in emotional distress. That’s the real issue, and it doesn’t require a diagnosis to be addressed.
Whether or not someone meets the criteria for addiction is less important than recognizing when a behavior is unhealthy and harmful. If you find yourself in a relationship where these patterns exist, the focus shouldn’t be on whether it’s a clinical addiction but rather on whether it’s causing harm. If it is, that’s all the justification you need to set boundaries, seek help, and take steps toward healing.
Recovery is possible, but it requires both partners to be fully engaged and committed to the process. It’s about being real with yourself and each other, letting go of the need for labels, and focusing on building a relationship based on trust, collaboration, and mutual respect. Whether or not a formal diagnosis is ever given, the work of healing can and must begin now.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program Dare to Connect
Find out more about Steve Moore at Ascension Counseling
Learn more about Mark Kastleman at Reclaim Counseling Services
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