This article and podcast were originally posted on the website dedicated to our podcast, pbsepodcast.com
This article (created from episode 246 of the PBSE podcast) explores the complex dynamics of independence and interdependence in coupleships affected by porn and sex addiction, particularly when one partner continues to struggle with behaviors like scanning and lust. It highlights the journey of both the addicted and betrayed partners, emphasizing the importance of setting boundaries, maintaining self-worth, and engaging in individual recovery work. The path to interdependence is framed as a balanced, collaborative dynamic where both partners bring their strengths and vulnerabilities to the table, supporting each other while maintaining their own identities. Practical steps such as regular check-ins, creating safe spaces for communication, and engaging in joint therapy are discussed, along with the importance of accountability, grace, and patience. The article underscores that interdependence is not a static goal but an ongoing process of personal and relational growth, filled with setbacks and opportunities for deeper connection and transformation.
LISTEN TO EPISODE—
Inside this Episode:
Introduction
Navigating a coupleship where one partner struggles with issues like scanning and lust can be one of the most complex and emotionally charged experiences. When betrayal is involved, the journey of figuring out what “independence” and “interdependence” look like becomes even more intricate. This topic is especially relevant for those in recovery from sex addiction and betrayal trauma. In this article, we delve deep into what it means to be both independent and interdependent in a relationship where addiction continues to play a role, with insights and guidance directly inspired by our PBSE podcast episode.
We’ll explore the path toward healing, the importance of boundaries, the roles of both partners, and practical steps for moving forward together. Our goal is to provide you with a clear understanding of what independence and interdependence can look like in such a challenging context and to offer hope for a healthier, more balanced coupleship.
The Listener’s Submission: A Window into the Struggle
Our discussion begins with a submission from one of our listeners, a betrayed partner who has been married for over two decades and has been doing her own recovery work since her husband’s sexual addiction was discovered. Her words resonate deeply because they capture the nuanced struggle of trying to find peace in a relationship that still carries the weight of ongoing addictive behaviors.
Here’s a glimpse of what she shared:
“I would love for you to do a podcast where you explain more of what interdependence looks like for the betrayed spouse in a marriage as you move forward in recovery. I’ve been married to my husband for over two decades and continue to do my own recovery work. After his sexual addiction was discovered, I’ve heard the word ‘interdependence’ used several times. I remember you all mentioning it as well. Honestly, I sometimes have trouble understanding what that looks like or feels like as a spouse.”
“I’ve gone to the place where I truly know in my soul that if he ultimately decides to live in his addiction and all the lying, I don’t have to be on the other side of that anymore, and I will be okay without him. I know his choices are his choices, and I have absolutely no control over that. But working through those big truths in my mind and heart has, for some reason, come easier for me lately than something smaller, like watching him subtly scan or get captivated at times.”
This listener’s experience encapsulates a common pain point for many betrayed partners. They’ve done the hard work to understand that they are not responsible for their partner’s choices and have found a sense of independence. Yet, the smaller, everyday behaviors—like scanning and lusting—continue to hurt deeply, triggering old wounds and making it difficult to feel safe and connected in the relationship.
Defining Independence and Interdependence in the Context of Betrayal and Addiction
Independence and interdependence are terms often discussed but rarely fully understood, especially in the context of relationships affected by addiction. Let’s take a closer look at what these concepts mean and why they are crucial for recovery.
Independence is about cultivating a strong sense of self separate from your partner. It involves setting healthy boundaries, knowing your worth, and not allowing your partner’s actions to define your sense of self. For a betrayed partner, this can mean recognizing that your value is not tied to your partner’s behaviors or their success in recovery. It’s the ability to stand on your own two feet emotionally and mentally, even when your partner is struggling.
However, there’s also an extreme version of independence that can be harmful in relationships. This form of independence says, “I don’t need anyone,” and it pushes people away in an effort to protect oneself from further pain. While this might feel safer in the short term, it ultimately leads to isolation and prevents genuine connection.
Interdependence, on the other hand, is a balanced, collaborative dynamic. It’s about two whole individuals coming together as a team, supporting each other while maintaining their own identities. Interdependence does not mean losing yourself in the relationship; rather, it’s a partnership where both people bring their strengths and vulnerabilities to the table, knowing that together, they are stronger.
In the context of addiction and betrayal, achieving interdependence can feel elusive. For the betrayed partner, it means finding ways to support your partner’s recovery without becoming responsible for it. It’s recognizing that your partner’s recovery is their own journey, while also establishing what you need to feel safe and respected in the relationship.
The Addict’s Role in Building Interdependence
Interdependence cannot happen unless both partners are actively working on their own healing and growth. For the addict, this means taking full ownership of their recovery journey. It’s not just about abstaining from addictive behaviors; it’s about making meaningful, proactive changes that foster trust and safety in the relationship.
Here are key components of what healthy independence and recovery look like for an addicted partner:
Developing a Support Network: One of the most critical aspects of recovery is having a robust support system that extends beyond the spouse. This might include 12-step meetings, therapy, accountability partners, or trusted friends who understand the journey of addiction recovery. Relying solely on a partner for support is not sustainable or fair, and it places undue pressure on the relationship.
Engaging in Daily Recovery Practices: Recovery is not a one-time event but a daily commitment. Addicts must engage in consistent practices such as journaling, mindfulness, self-reflection, and spiritual work. These practices help maintain focus on sobriety and keep the individual accountable for their actions.
Proactive Ownership of Behavior: For many betrayed partners, one of the most painful aspects of addiction is feeling like they have to police their partner’s behavior. A recovering addict who takes proactive ownership steps up to acknowledge their mistakes and shortcomings without being prompted. This could mean admitting when they’ve been triggered, when they’ve struggled with lustful thoughts, or when they’ve failed to uphold boundaries.
Transparency and Open Communication: An addict’s recovery cannot happen in the dark. Transparency is key to rebuilding trust. This doesn’t mean oversharing every thought or feeling, but it does involve being honest about struggles, progress, and setbacks. The more open and accountable an addict is, the more trust can begin to be restored.
For the addict, showing up in these ways demonstrates to the betrayed partner that they are committed to change, not just in words but in actions. It’s about being reliable, consistent, and trustworthy, which are essential components of interdependence.
For more on what "real" recovery looks like for a porn/sex addict, see this past PBSE podcast—https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/how-does-an-addict-get-to-real-lasting-sexual-emotional-sobriety-recovery
The Betrayed Partner’s Path to Independence
For betrayed partners, achieving healthy independence involves reclaiming a sense of power and autonomy that might feel lost after the discovery of betrayal. It’s about learning to trust yourself again and not allowing your partner’s actions to dictate your emotional state or sense of worth.
Here are some steps that can help betrayed partners cultivate healthy independence:
Setting and Maintaining Boundaries: Boundaries are the cornerstone of independence. They protect your emotional and physical well-being and define what is acceptable in the relationship. For example, a boundary might involve agreeing that if your partner is struggling with lustful thoughts, they need to communicate that openly rather than hiding it.
Prioritizing Self-Care: Taking care of yourself is not selfish—it’s necessary. Self-care practices like exercise, meditation, spending time with supportive friends, and engaging in hobbies can help you stay grounded and connected to your own needs. Regular self-care allows you to show up in your relationship from a place of strength rather than depletion.
Building Your Own Support System: Just as addicts need support outside of the relationship, so do betrayed partners. Whether it’s a therapist, a support group, or trusted friends, having a network that understands what you’re going through can provide validation, encouragement, and perspective.
Reclaiming Your Self-Worth: One of the most devastating impacts of betrayal is the blow it can deal to a partner’s self-esteem. Reclaiming your sense of worth means actively challenging negative self-talk, reminding yourself that you are enough, and recognizing that your value is not contingent on your partner’s choices.
For more insights into Betrayal Trauma Healing, take a look at this PBSE podcast episode—https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/the-wall-between-betrayal-trauma-and-healing-connection
The Challenges and Disruptors in the Path to Interdependence
While the concept of interdependence sounds ideal, the reality is that many factors can disrupt this balance. Both partners face unique challenges that can derail their efforts to maintain healthy independence and foster interdependence.
For the addicted partner, common disruptors include:
Shame and Guilt: The addict’s journey is often fraught with feelings of shame and guilt, which can be paralyzing. These emotions can lead to avoidance, secrecy, and relapse if not properly addressed.
Complacency: As recovery progresses, it’s easy for addicts to become complacent, thinking they’ve got everything under control. This mindset can be dangerous because it undermines the daily work required to maintain sobriety.
Fear of Vulnerability: Being open and transparent about struggles is not easy, especially for those who have spent years hiding their behaviors. Fear of judgment or rejection can keep addicts from being fully honest, hindering the rebuilding of trust.
For the betrayed partner, disruptors might include:
Ongoing Triggers: Triggers are a normal part of the betrayal trauma recovery process, but they can be incredibly disruptive. Seeing your partner glance at another person, hearing about a relapse, or even remembering past betrayals can bring up intense emotions that feel overwhelming.
Self-Doubt: After betrayal, many partners question their own intuition and judgment. They might wonder how they didn’t see the signs or if they can ever trust themselves again. This self-doubt can lead to a constant state of hyper-vigilance or over-monitoring.
Comparing to Others: It’s easy to look at other couples or hear about how other partners are handling their situation and feel like you’re falling short. Every recovery journey is unique, and what works for one person might not work for another.
Both partners need to remain vigilant about these disruptors and continue to do the work individually and together. Recognizing when old patterns are creeping back in and addressing them promptly can prevent further damage to the relationship.
Practical Steps Toward Building Interdependence
Building interdependence requires intentionality, effort, and a willingness to be vulnerable. Here are practical steps that both partners can take to move toward a more interdependent dynamic:
Regular Check-Ins: One of the most effective ways to maintain connection and accountability is through regular check-ins. These don’t have to be long or formal; even a few minutes each day to share where you’re at emotionally, what you’re struggling with, and what you need from each other can make a big difference.
Create a Safe Space for Communication: Both partners need to feel safe expressing their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment or punishment. This means actively listening, validating each other’s experiences, and avoiding defensiveness.
Practice Accountability Together: Accountability is not just for the addict; it’s for both partners. This might look like setting goals for how you’ll handle triggers, having a plan for when conflicts arise, or agreeing on ways to support each other’s independence while remaining connected.
Develop a Relapse Prevention Plan: For the addicted partner, having a clear relapse prevention plan is crucial. This plan should outline what steps to take when triggers arise, how to communicate struggles, and who to reach out to for support. Knowing that there is a plan in place can provide both partners with a sense of security.
Engage in Joint Therapy or Couples’ Workshops: Working with a therapist who understands addiction and betrayal can provide valuable guidance on how to rebuild trust and foster interdependence. Couples’ workshops or retreats can also be an excellent way to deepen connection and learn new tools together.
Celebrate Progress: Recovery is a long road, and it’s essential to acknowledge the progress made along the way. Celebrating small victories, whether it’s a day without conflict or a productive conversation about a difficult topic, helps build momentum and reinforces positive change.
It's easy to fall into "relationship limbo." For more on how to heal your relationship—https://www.pbsepodcast.com/post/how-can-a-struggling-couple-come-out-of-relationship-limbo
The Importance of Grace and Patience in the Process
Recovery and rebuilding a relationship are not linear processes. There will be setbacks, mistakes, and moments when things feel impossibly hard. Both partners must cultivate patience—with themselves and each other. It’s important to recognize that healing takes time and that progress is measured not by perfection but by continued effort.
Grace is also a vital component. Grace doesn’t mean excusing harmful behavior, but it does mean allowing room for growth and change. It means acknowledging the effort your partner is making, even if they’re not yet where you hope they will be. It’s about understanding that both of you are learning and that there is no “right” way to navigate this journey.
Conclusion: Embracing the Ongoing Journey
Independence and interdependence in a coupleship where one partner continues to struggle with scanning and lust are not static achievements. They are ongoing processes that require dedication, communication, and a commitment to personal and relational growth. By embracing both the independence of individual work and the interdependence of shared healing, couples can navigate the complexities of addiction and betrayal with resilience and hope.
The road is challenging, but it is also filled with opportunities for deep connection, personal transformation, and a renewed sense of partnership. Keep showing up, keep doing the work, and remember that every step forward, no matter how small, is a victory worth celebrating.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program Dare to Connect
Find out more about Steve Moore at Ascension Counseling
Learn more about Mark Kastleman at Reclaim Counseling Services
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