This article is taken from PBSE episode 270, where Mark & Steve respond to a heart-felt submission and questions from a betrayed spouse. When a partner admits to having a porn or sex addiction but refuses to engage in meaningful recovery, it leaves the betrayed partner feeling trapped in a cycle of hope, disappointment, and frustration. True healing requires more than an admission—it demands effort, emotional maturity, and consistent action. If a partner remains passive, unwilling, or resistant to change, the betrayed partner must evaluate whether they are waiting in vain. By distinguishing between lack of willingness and lack of ability, setting firm boundaries, and prioritizing self-worth, the betrayed partner can reclaim their agency and make decisions that foster personal healing and emotional well-being, whether within or outside the relationship.
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Inside this Episode:
The Pain of Partial Honesty
Many partners of those struggling with porn or sex addiction long for a moment of honesty, a break in the deception. When that moment finally comes and the admission is made, there is a sense of relief—a light at the end of the tunnel. However, what happens when that admission is the only effort made? When the work of recovery never follows? This is the predicament many betrayed partners find themselves in.
Honesty is often viewed as the first step toward healing, but it is only a starting point. Without sustained action, honesty alone does not bring about change. It merely acknowledges the problem. While a partner’s admission may provide temporary relief, the absence of follow-through quickly turns that relief into frustration and disappointment. The betrayed partner is left in limbo, waiting for progress that never seems to come.
This waiting period is agonizing. Questions start to swirl: Is there something more I can do? Am I being unreasonable for expecting more? Is my partner even capable of change? The emotional weight of this limbo can be suffocating, leading to anxiety, sadness, and even self-doubt. Betrayed partners may begin to feel isolated, uncertain of whether their expectations for effort and engagement are valid. However, it is essential to recognize that healing requires action, not just acknowledgment.
Without real steps toward change, the admission of addiction becomes a hollow confession. True recovery requires a commitment to understanding the root causes of addiction, developing healthy coping mechanisms, and fostering emotional vulnerability. If these efforts are missing, then real recovery is not happening. Without action, words become meaningless.
Additionally, an admission without action can sometimes be more damaging than continued denial. It gives the betrayed partner a false sense of hope, making them believe that real change is coming, only to be met with continued disappointment. Over time, this cycle can create deep wounds of mistrust and resentment, making future reconciliation and connection even more difficult. Healing cannot occur in an environment where one partner is left to carry the burden of recovery alone.
Many betrayed partners begin to internalize the lack of change, questioning whether they are asking for too much or if they should lower their expectations. This self-doubt can be debilitating, leading them to accept behaviors and patterns that are far below what they deserve. When honesty is not followed by meaningful action, it creates a relationship built on a fragile foundation of empty words rather than true commitment to healing and growth.
The Frustration of Waiting for Change
A relationship thrives on connection, honesty, and mutual effort. This listener, like so many others, hoped that with admission would come a journey of emotional maturity and healing. Instead, she finds herself in a relationship with someone who is passive, unwilling to engage, and avoids meaningful connection.
One of the most challenging aspects of being a betrayed partner is the feeling of powerlessness. It is exhausting to invest in a relationship where only one person is making an effort. The lack of reciprocity breeds resentment and sadness, leading the betrayed partner to feel alone in their struggle. The addict may promise change in words but fail to demonstrate it in action, leading to a cycle of broken trust and renewed disappointment.
As time goes on, the betrayed partner may begin to lose hope. The initial anger and frustration may shift into numbness, a defense mechanism against the constant letdowns. This emotional withdrawal is dangerous for any relationship because it signals the beginning of detachment. Love cannot flourish where effort is absent. Without genuine participation from both partners, the relationship will inevitably deteriorate, leaving both parties feeling isolated and disconnected.
This frustration is often compounded by mixed signals. The addict may express remorse, offer reassurances, or occasionally make small gestures of change, only to retreat into old patterns shortly afterward. This creates an emotional rollercoaster, where hope rises and crashes repeatedly. The betrayed partner may feel stuck, uncertain whether to continue waiting or to accept that their partner is unwilling to change.
Without tangible steps toward recovery, the betrayed partner is left in a perpetual state of waiting. And waiting, in the absence of growth, becomes an unbearable burden. Each time progress seems within reach but is not sustained, it reinforces a cycle of pain and hopelessness. Over time, the betrayed partner may begin to feel emotionally drained, questioning whether they should continue holding onto a relationship that does not offer them the safety and security they deserve.
Moreover, the longer a betrayed partner waits for change that does not come, the harder it becomes to break free. The sunk-cost fallacy—the belief that staying is justified because of the time already invested—keeps many partners trapped in unhealthy relationships. Instead of focusing on what has already been lost, it is crucial to consider what can still be gained by choosing a different path.
The Reality of Willingness vs. Ability
When it comes to recovery, there are two major components: willingness and skill set. A lack of willingness means the person is not ready or motivated to change. A lack of skill set means they may want to change but do not know how. It is crucial to distinguish between the two because they require different responses.
Willingness is the foundation of any meaningful transformation. Without it, no amount of external pressure, persuasion, or encouragement will create lasting change. An unwilling partner may make excuses, minimize the issue, or shift blame rather than take ownership of their recovery. They may insist that they are “just not good at opening up” or that “this is just how they are.” These statements are not only frustrating but also damaging, as they reinforce a stagnant mindset that hinders progress.
On the other hand, a partner who lacks the skills but possesses the willingness to change is in a much better position for growth. They may struggle with vulnerability, accountability, or emotional expression, but they are open to learning. This type of partner may require guidance, therapy, and structured support to develop healthier habits and coping mechanisms. The key difference is that they are actively trying rather than resisting the process.
A partner’s willingness is often demonstrated through consistency and effort, not just words. True change involves actively seeking help, being open to feedback, and showing genuine commitment to personal growth. If a partner is unwilling to even attempt these steps, it becomes clear that they are choosing inaction over healing. This realization, while painful, can empower the betrayed partner to make informed decisions about their future.
A partner who is willing but lacks the skills can be guided toward growth through professional counseling, support groups, and open communication. However, if there is no willingness, no amount of support will create lasting change. Identifying this difference early on can prevent years of heartache and disappointment.
Choosing to Move Forward
Ultimately, each betrayed partner must decide how long they are willing to wait. How much emotional labor are they willing to put in for someone who won’t meet them halfway?
At some point, the healthiest choice may be to stop waiting. To stop hoping that "one day" he will change and instead choose a path that honors self-worth and emotional well-being. Whether that means staying and holding firm boundaries or leaving and pursuing healing independently, the most crucial thing is to remain true to oneself.
Recovery is possible. Growth is possible. But it requires more than just an admission of addiction—it requires consistent, active work. And when that work is not happening, it is okay to walk away. The path forward should be one that prioritizes self-care, emotional well-being, and a future that is not defined by waiting for someone else to change.
By recognizing the difference between empty promises and real effort, betrayed partners can reclaim their agency and move toward a future filled with the respect, love, and fulfillment they truly deserve.
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program Dare to Connect
Find out more about Steve Moore at Ascension Counseling
Learn more about Mark Kastleman at Reclaim Counseling Services
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