Porn and sex addiction makes honesty a significant challenge, as fear, shame, and deeply ingrained survival mechanisms drive individuals to dishonesty, isolating them and eroding trust with loved ones. Partners often struggle more with the ongoing lying than with the addiction itself, finding it impossible to build intimacy without transparency. Through small, intentional steps like daily honesty practice, self-care, and accountability, addicts can begin to confront their fears and commit to truthfulness. Mark and Steve stress that honesty is essential for rebuilding relationships and achieving personal freedom, highlighting that it requires courage and vulnerability but leads to authentic connection and healing
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Inside this Episode:
Introduction
Honesty is a concept deeply valued in relationships, personal growth, and recovery, yet it is one of the most challenging traits to embody for those grappling with addiction. The PBSE Podcast episode 261 dives deeply into this topic, unpacking why honesty is so elusive for porn and sex addicts and how they can begin daring to tell the truth, no matter the cost. In this article, we’ll explore these concepts in detail, breaking down the barriers to honesty and the pathways toward living a transparent and authentic life.
The Betrayal Beneath the Lies
When discussing honesty within addiction recovery, the conversation often starts with betrayal. Partners and loved ones of addicts frequently report that while the betrayal of infidelity, pornography use, or substance abuse is devastating, the lack of honesty is often what breaks the relationship. As described by Mark and Steve on the podcast, the recurring feedback from betrayed partners is: “The lying and secrecy feel like they will never end.”
This sentiment stems from the exhausting reality of constantly questioning, investigating, and doubting. Partners often find themselves in the role of detective, trying to uncover the truth because the addict in their life refuses to come forward openly. Without honesty, intimacy becomes impossible—and without intimacy, relationships cannot survive. Honesty, then, is not just a moral issue but a relational necessity.
Mark and Steve illustrate this point with a vivid example from one listener’s story: a husband who had taken steps toward recovery but still clung to dishonesty. Despite therapy, 12-step groups, and other efforts, his inability to embrace transparency kept his marriage teetering on the brink. His wife’s plea echoed through the podcast: “Why can’t he just tell the truth?”
Mark and Steve emphasize that the pain of dishonesty runs even deeper than the betrayal itself. They highlight how, for partners, it’s not just the sexual behaviors or addictive tendencies that cause devastation but the constant erosion of trust. As one partner put it, "I can’t live with someone who keeps me in the dark." This struggle illustrates how central honesty is to any meaningful relationship.
Here's a past PBSE episode on HOW a betrayed partner can navigate a relationship where there are lies—"My Addict Partner was Doing Well in Recovery. Then the Lies Started Again. I’m Shattered! How do I Come Back from This?!"
Why Honesty Is So Hard
Honesty is universally difficult, but for addicts, it’s a monumental challenge. Why? The answer lies in the complex interplay of pride, shame, and fear.
Complicated Pride and Insecurity
Complicated Pride: Addicts often attach their self-worth to being "right" or maintaining a distorted image of themselves. Admitting fault, especially in the context of addiction, feels like erasing the last shred of perceived dignity they hold. As Steve explains, this fragile pride is a lifeline in the midst of overwhelming shame.
Insecurity: Addicts struggle with deeply entrenched feelings of inadequacy. The prospect of transparency feels like exposing wounds that might never heal. For many, their addiction has already stripped away much of their self-esteem. Honesty, in their minds, risks further unraveling what little they have left.
Learned Dishonesty
Learned Behaviors: Many addicts develop dishonesty as a survival mechanism early in life. Whether it’s avoiding punishment as a child or concealing vulnerabilities as an adult, the habit of lying becomes ingrained. Mark shared how, as a child, he learned that honesty often led to physical or emotional harm, which taught him to “stay safe by lying.”
Shame, Fear, and Survival Mode
Shame and Fear: Addicts live in a cycle of shame that feeds their dishonesty. They fear rejection, abandonment, and the crushing realization that they are not "good enough." This fear creates a paradox: they lie to protect relationships but, in doing so, risk losing them entirely.
Survival Mode: Lying becomes as instinctual as breathing. Addicts convince themselves that dishonesty is necessary to avoid pain and maintain stability. However, this coping mechanism often results in greater instability and relational destruction over time. Steve recalls his mantra during active addiction: "I’ll take this secret to the grave." This mindset reveals how deeply entrenched dishonesty can be.
Addicts may justify their dishonesty by telling themselves that they are protecting others from pain or sparing themselves additional shame. Yet, as Mark and Steve discuss, this logic is fundamentally flawed. Dishonesty does not protect; it isolates and destroys. The longer it persists, the more damaging it becomes, creating a cycle that is increasingly hard to break.
The Cost of Dishonesty
Dishonesty comes with a heavy price—not only for the addict but also for their loved ones. Relationships become fraught with mistrust, communication breaks down, and resentment festers. Partners frequently describe feeling as though they are living with a stranger, unsure of what is real.
For the addict, the cost is equally profound. Dishonesty prevents authentic connection, fuels their shame, and keeps them trapped in a vicious cycle. Mark and Steve emphasize that lying to preserve relationships is a self-defeating strategy: “I lied because I couldn’t lose her. But in the very act of lying, I was losing her.”
Dishonesty isolates the addict, leaving them disconnected from the world around them. As Mark puts it, "Lying became like breathing—it was my way to stay alive." Yet the irony is that this survival mechanism ultimately threatens everything meaningful in their lives.
Beyond relational damage, dishonesty also takes a toll on the addict’s mental health. The constant need to maintain a façade is exhausting, leading to increased stress, anxiety, and even depression. Many addicts describe a profound sense of loneliness, knowing that their dishonesty keeps them from being truly seen or understood.
The COST for being dishonest in a relationship is huge! Here's a PBSE episode that helps addicts in recovery learn HOW to rebuild trust—"After Lying & Gaslighting, My Partner Won’t Believe Me! How Do I Show True Empathy & Rebuild Trust?"
Building a Foundation for Honesty
Becoming honest is not an overnight transformation; it’s a process that begins with small, deliberate steps. Mark and Steve share several key strategies for addicts to start building a foundation for honesty:
Taking Small Steps
Start Small: Begin practicing honesty in situations with minimal stakes. Whether it’s admitting a minor mistake at work or being truthful about a daily activity, these small acts of integrity create momentum. Over time, these small steps build the courage necessary to tackle larger truths.
Engage in Self-Care: Developing a sense of self-worth is essential to honesty. Practices like journaling, pursuing hobbies, and cultivating a relationship with a higher power (if applicable) can help addicts build confidence and resilience. Mark explains that embracing self-care is a critical foundation: "You can’t be honest with others until you start being honest with yourself."
Self-Love and Accountability
Accept Yourself: Honesty requires a willingness to embrace one’s whole self—the good, the bad, and the imperfect. As Mark puts it, “You have to start finding out how to practice self-love.” Learning to accept oneself paves the way for vulnerability and transparency.
Create Accountability: Joining support groups, working with therapists, and building a network of trusted individuals provide external accountability. These relationships can help addicts stay grounded and committed to their truth. Steve recounts how a trusted sponsor helped him navigate the first steps toward honesty: "He held me accountable, but more importantly, he taught me to hold myself accountable."
Reframing Fear
Reframe Fear: Fear of rejection and failure often drives dishonesty. By reframing honesty as an opportunity for growth rather than a threat, addicts can begin to see transparency as a source of empowerment rather than vulnerability. Mark and Steve remind listeners that honesty is not about perfection but about progress: "Being honest isn’t about always getting it right; it’s about being real."
Practical Exercises
Daily Honesty Practice: Addicts can benefit from setting daily intentions to be honest, starting with manageable goals. For example, committing to share one truth per day—whether it’s with a partner, friend, or even oneself—helps build the habit over time.
Reflective Journaling: Writing about moments of dishonesty and their consequences can provide valuable insights. This practice not only helps identify patterns but also fosters greater self-awareness, which is crucial for long-term change.
Daring to Be Honest at All Costs
Honesty at all costs means accepting that telling the truth may result in pain, loss, or conflict. Yet it is the only way to rebuild trust, restore relationships, and achieve personal freedom. As Mark and Steve stress, honesty requires practice, perseverance, and courage.
Facing the Consequences
For many addicts, the journey toward honesty begins with acknowledging the destructive consequences of dishonesty. Steve reflects on the turning point in his recovery: realizing that the path he was on was unsustainable and would ultimately lead to greater loss. This stark realization compelled him to start living differently, one honest decision at a time.
Honesty is not just about confessing past wrongs; it’s about committing to a new way of living. Addicts must learn to embrace honesty not as a punishment but as a gift—a way to connect authentically with others and, most importantly, with themselves.
Practical Strategies
Mark shares a practical approach to embracing honesty: starting with "low-cost" opportunities. "I began with the little things," he recalls. "Admitting small mistakes at work or telling the truth in simple conversations helped me build confidence. My survival brain began to realize that honesty wasn’t as scary as I thought."
As honesty becomes a habit, addicts can graduate to larger truths. This process requires patience, persistence, and the willingness to face fear head-on. As Steve emphasizes, "It’s not about being fearless; it’s about moving forward despite the fear."
Conclusion: Choosing Truth, Choosing Freedom
The journey to honesty is daunting but transformative. For addicts, daring to tell the truth at all costs means stepping out of the shadows of fear and shame and into the light of authenticity. It’s a process that requires vulnerability, practice, and an unwavering commitment to growth.
As Mark and Steve remind us, the cost of dishonesty is far greater than the cost of honesty. By choosing to live transparently, addicts can rebuild trust, heal relationships, and, most importantly, rediscover their own self-worth. The path is not easy, but it is the only path to true freedom.
By embracing honesty, addicts unlock the door to genuine connection, self-acceptance, and lasting recovery. It is not an easy road, but it is one worth traveling. As Mark and Steve put it, "Honesty is where healing begins."
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program Dare to Connect
Find out more about Steve Moore at Ascension Counseling
Learn more about Mark Kastleman at Reclaim Counseling Services
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